Creating Effective and Efficient Relationships

Relationships of all kinds are often perceived as very delicate things, that require extra effort to maintain. However, a relationship can also be something that can provide security and can also be long lasting despite many trials.

Building an effective and lasting relationships is a necessity for several reasons. For example in a group or organization, the well being of the people depends on how efficient and effective that group or organization works.

The group or organization is also dependent on how the members work well with the management.

An ineffective group or organization can really be very frustrating.  An effective group or organization can also ask so much on their members, that sometimes the members would be having no life outside the walls of the area where they work or sacrifice the other aspects of their life just to meet deadlines. For an organization or group with this kind of scenario, relationships can be stressed or suffer from breakdown.

People or other entities who depend on these groups or organization also suffer.

Society is defined as a web of relationships, which requires all parties to work and contribute their share in order to achieve  a common goal. Having a relationship that is good, where cooperation and respect are manifested, can make society work better. In this way each member works for the good of the whole and towards achieving a common goal. This can only be attained with effective and efficient relationships.

Understanding the other parties' feeling and position creates an effective and efficient relationship. The easiest method to understand what is important to another party is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. When the other party realizes this, they would feel the importance given to them

Effective and efficient relationships require parties to openly express their feelings and positions on all matters pertinent on the relationship. Assuming that the other party understands our needs and give us when we need it without asking for it is not a good practice.

Respect is the key to relationship. In order to create a more effective relationship, parties should treat each other with respect.  We can show respect just by listening to the other party and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to other parties by confirming that they are doing everything they can.

The opposite of respect is quick forming of judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudice.

Respect is the very foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself and respecting others.

Another key area in forming an effective relationship is to tackle differences of the other party directly. Differences between parties or people are quite interesting. For example in a conversation where each party listens to the other party, you may observe that each is having two different perspectives.

Work towards a win-win solution for both parties.

This can be done when at least one party acknowledges that the relationship is important. That party would then exert more time, effort and energy to understand the other party's needs and deal with it to get it out of the way. Should they fail, it is comforting for that party to know that they tried.

Effectively listening and no pre-judging. This is important if parties are to understand each other.

Informal discussions are conducive for parties. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. They also feel more relaxed making them think more clearly.

Developing an atmosphere where the other party can express their feelings when they need to.

When parties fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.

Parties should be aware that certain things exist naturally but should be controlled in any dealings in any relationship.  Human nature is one. Some of these things found in a relationship also include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person or party for a strained relationship, excluding the other party's feelings when focusing on a task, no clear and defined objectives, roles and expectations of each party in a relationship is also unclear.

Relationships are important to anyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve the relationship. As they say 'No man is an Island'.

5 Ways to Handle Your Child's Anger

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Children can feel and express anger at a very young age. As they grow older, their understanding towards people and things around them starts to advance. Therefore, their way of expressing anger will also change, eventually.

As they grow up, situations that will cause them to become angry will increase. By now, they tend to understand more about their surroundings and had been in a lot of situations that would probably make them angry. All these are part of their development process.

The family plays a very important role in the emotional growth of the children, which has a direct influence on how they feel and the way they express their anger. Research shows that most children tend to imitate the behavior of their parents, whether directly or indirectly. So please, do not do things that you would not want your children to follow, in front of them. The surrounding at home is also very important as it plays a key role in the emotional development of the children.

I will share with you 5 very simple, yet proven to be effective ways that you can handle your children when they are in anger. They are also found at Child Anger Management - Helping Young Children with Anger, Effectively.

1. As a responsible parent, try to change the environment at home to prevent experiences or situations that will lead to unnecessary stress, anger or frustration between you and your children.
2. Do not take their anger personally. This will have direct influence on them. The angrier you are, the more anger they might have inside them too. Take a break before everything goes out of hand.
3. Try to direct their attention away from the current situation. Try to distract them from the situation, and get a break to cool things off before it gets worse.
4. It is very important that we as parents do not give in when our children is having their tantrums. If we do, they will think that by acting in that way, they can get what they want from us.
5. Do not lecture or hit your children when they are in anger, or for no particular reasons. It will only make things worse. Keep it for another day. Try to have a slow conversation with them to cool them down.

I hope these few tips help.

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I don’t like your attitude

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People always fluctuate in their behavior from day to day and we all have had our times in which we acted rude to people, and had the pleasure of having the reverse happen as well. Kay Redfield Jamison an international guru of about mood disorders has had her share of mood swings during her times. For years she kept this extreme psychological disorder a secret in which she had moods that switched from being super excited known as mania, to times that she was lethargic and depressed. She actually wrote a book about these events and tells about it in more detail. By the way, the disorder was known as bipolar disorder and effects many people around the world. With determination, a strong will, and support from her family and friends she overcame her struggles and continue to teach about psychological disorders to this day. I know that you’re probably wondering what are the types of characteristics of deviant or abnormal behavior? Well, one way abnormal behavior can be diagnosed is with some common symptoms. It may surprise you that there are about 40 million Americans that are affected by some type of psychological disorder. You may think of a psychological disorder as what the main character had in the movie “A beautiful Mind.” In essence you are right but there are a lot more other characteristics involved and a psychological disorder can also be defined by having an addiction to a substance like alcohol or drugs. To fully understand psychological disorders an individual must analyze abnormal behavior. Let’s take a look at three different case studies.

• A twenty six year old woman named Helena has a need to walk in a specific way. When she is walking on the street in the public she believes that if she steps on certain cracks she will have bad luck, but in order to reverse that bad luck she has to turn around and walk back a block. She doesn’t like to do this much so she often stay home and pay people to go and pick up her groceries and other needed items.
• A thirty five year old woman has recently got a divorce from her husband who she has been previously married to for eleven years and has two children with. Her husband have left her for her best friend and she is going back to college to continue her education so she can earn some more money to better support her children. She has a hard time struggling with school work and has grown separate from her friends and colleagues. A lot of the time she doesn’t feel like doing much and tends to cry a lot at nigh time. She also has a more pessimistic view in life and doesn’t believe in true love anymore.
• A thirty year old man named Don has to have things arrange in his house a certain way. Even though he is wealthy enough to afford a maid he constantly has to rearrange things in his house after she leaves. He sweeps the floor and wipes off tables even though she has done that before.

Most people would say that the behavior of all of these individuals are abnormal, but are all of them bizarre? That’s a common myth about behavior, because people will automatically assume that abnormal behavior is bizarre and it’s not necessary true. Take the women in the second case study described even though her behavior is abnormal it is not necessary bizarre. A lot of times people with abnormal behavior cannot easily be distinguished from people with normal behavior. Also, just because a person currently has a mental disorder doesn’t mean that they will always have it. The term abnormal behavior varies from different academic mediums. However, the federal courts define insanity which is more of a legal term rather than a psychological on as the inability to differentiae right from wrong. This is a very common term that comes up in terms. One infamous example is in 1996 when multimillionaire John Dupont shot and killed Olympic Gold medalist wrestler David Schultz. He also had been charged with a couple of assaults earlier. Dupont lawyers used the “insanity” definition as a lame excuse to get him off the hook and it worked because in the end because the jury declared that he had a psychological disorder and he was found guilty of third degree murder. There are three criteria’s for crossing the line between abnormal behavior and normal behavior. Abnormal behavior is usually deviant which means it abstracts from the norms of society. However, remarkable people like Martin Luther King and Bill Gates are not the average person but they are far from being abnormal. When a behavior deviate from what is expected by society than it could be called abnormal. The second criteria are that it is usually maladaptive which means that it interferes with a person’s ability to function properly in the real world. Last, abnormal behavior includes personal distress. This means that the person is deeply bothered by this and it causes them unnecessary pain and suffering. The causes for abnormal behavior can vary tremendously. We can look at several factors such as biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors to help determine this. Psychologists who favor the biological approach tend to emphasize the brain and genetic traits as the primarily cause of abnormal behavior. When using this approach the primarily form of treatment is drugs or drug therapy. The biological approach is used often in the medical model, which describes psychological disorders as diseases related to biological origins. From the medical view abnormalities are seen a mental illness. The people that are infected with the mental illness are known as patients and they have to be treated by doctors. The biological view can also be broken done into three more categories. These are known as structural views, biochemical views and genetic views. The structural view thinks that abnormalities in the brain structure are the main lead to mental disorders. The biochemical view looks at the imbalances in the brain’s chemical structure such as neurotransmitters and hormones as the cause to mental disorders. In the genetic view they look at distorted genes as the main contributor to mental disorders. While the biological approach focuses on inherited traits to be the main contributor to mental disorders, the psychological approach looks at the environment and the unconscious mind as the main contributor to abnormalities. This has three parts to it which includes the psychodynamic perspective, behavioral and social cognitive prospective, and the humanistic perspective. The psychodynamic perspective thinks that psychological disorders come from unconscious conflicts that can cause anxiety and a maladaptive behavior. The main contributor to deviant behavior in this approach is from early bad relationships. If an individual develops bad relationships with either offspring early on in their life than the individual will develop abnormalities. Sigmund Freud was the developer of the psychoanalytic approach in which it places more emphasis on what you can’t physically see. In the behavioral and social cognitive prospective they place an emphasis on the environment in shaping abnormal behavior. They believe that people learn behavior by observing those around them, through self control, through their beliefs in themselves, and through a variety of other cognitive factors which are the key to psychological disorders in this approach. In the humanistic perspective they place an emphasis on an individual’s freedom to do what they want and chose their own destiny and personal characteristics. They believe that psychological disorders come up when an individual fails to meet their own potential. All of the psychological perspective focuses on the individual. The next approach is the sociocultural approach. This concept places a larger emphasis on the area in which an individual lives such as their family, neighborhood, economic status, and culture. For one example, they believe that a conflict between one’s cultures will be a contributor to a mental disorder in an individual. It’s not necessary the individual that has a mental disorder but rather to an unbalanced social life. There are also some gender effects in determining mental disorders. Women are more likely to have internal mental disorders, which are disorders that affect them inside. They are more likely to be effected with anxiety attacks, and moods of depression. On the other hand, men are more likely to be effected with external disorders or disorders that are seen outward. Some examples of these disorders are substance abuse and moods of aggression. Many psychologists now believe that psychological disorders are universal which means that they are the same for people everywhere around the world regardless of geographic location or their social status. However, depending on the factors I just mentioned they do vary. There are also some disorders that strictly effect people of one culture, and here are three big ones that I’m currently aware of: Amok, Windigo, and Anorexia Nervosa. The Amok effect people of Malaysia and the Philippines and in this disorder and individual suddenly has a fierce burst of rage and anger and kill and injure as many people as possible before they are killed. This disorder is commonly found in males and the cause of this can be numerous of factors such as jealously, or losing a lot of money through gambling. Windigo is a disorder commonly found in Algonquin Indian hunters and is very similar to a horror story in which an individual is hunted and chased by a fictionist character and become bewitched such as by a bit of a vampire or werewolf. The hunter becomes worried that they will turn into a flesh eating cannibal and harm other around them. The last disorder, I think that many Americans is aware of the last disorder and that is called anorexia nervosa and effects people of mainly Western cultures with a special emphasis on the people in the United States. This is an eating disorder in which an individual tries to maintain an unhealthy low weight through starvation which can ultimately lead to death.

Stop The Anger And Achieve Total Emotional Well Being

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Reconsidering the Anger in Your Relationship By Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP

Many couples are both perplexed and stressed by the anger that erupts between them in the aftermath of trauma. Working with small groups of men and women after they had experienced a trauma, we often heard comments like: “Is anyone else angry?” “We never fought this much before.” “He’s nice to outsiders but angry with me and the kids.”

Some admitted fear of and avoidance of anger- of walking on eggshells. “I don’t want to rock the boat.” “It’s better that I just keep my mouth closed.” Most worried that anger could destroy their relationship.

Can Anger Destroy A Relationship?
The basic answer is NO. Anger is a human feeling and in itself is not damaging. According to attachment theory one characteristic of a secure attachment, be it between a mother and child or a couple, is the “safety to protest” without the repercussion of extreme anger or destruction of the relationship. Essentially if it is not safe for a couple to fight – it is not safe. Compliance, self-silencing, hidden resentments to keep the peace are not solutions. Research that studied the argument styles of 4,000 men and women in Framingham, Mass., revealed that self-silencing for women and battles of control for men created as serious a heart risk factor as smoking or high cholesterol. Being angry is not damaging – it is what you do with it, how you communicate it and what it does to you and your partner that can be destructive.

How Do We Keep Anger From Becoming Destructive?

Reconsider the Meaning of Anger
An invaluable step for any partner is to reconsider the meaning of their own anger and that of their partner – at a calm, non-stressful time. Understanding the causes of anger when you are in a state to think about it actually fosters perspective and alters response in the heated moments.

It is important to recognize, for example, that anger is a common and complex reaction to trauma which can be tripped by many sources and can reflect different things. Anger can be experienced as a physical state - a component of the fight/flight reaction to danger that often persists weeks and months later and can change the threshold to reactivity. After trauma, a line in a food store can be cause for rage with the partner, a misplaced car key the trigger for a morning fight. Certainly most couples have experienced the relationship of anxiety and anger such that in all types of stress situations – be it getting lost on the way to the airport or picking up their teenager suspended for smoking – there is a very good chance that by the time they get there they will be arguing.

Anger often masks other feelings like grief, vulnerability, and depression. The National Institute of Mental Health in 2005 reported that men are more likely to express depression, the most common disorder associated with post-traumatic reactions, as fatigue, irritability and anger. Given that women are more likely to show their feelings of loss and despair with sadness and guilt, it often happens that partners have very little patience for understanding the differences. Sometimes their bursts of angry words reflect their inability- even fear -of speaking directly about the loss.

The losses associated with trauma often create shame, a fear of pity or self-consciousness in the eyes of the person who knows you best – your partner.
Vali Stone, a cop’s wife reminds us in her 2002 book that “Cops Don’t Cry.” When physically or emotionally injured, they often get angry with themselves. “Who am I if I can’t be a Cop?” Attempts by the partner at consoling or supporting can be met with distrust and more anger. Similarly, in the aftermath of surgery or injury that alters a partner’s weight or body, the other’s genuine compliment can give rise to rage “Don’t tell me that I’m still attractive when I’m not!”

Anger as Communication. Despite the common urge to understand or be understood by the partner after trauma, communication of needs is often not easy. Suppressed by some, silenced by others, it often does not happen clearly. Whether conscious or unconscious, anger can become a misguided way of sending a message. For example,

Paul’s late-night complaints to Carol about money or projects around the house were really a way to avoid Carol’s wish to talk about losing the baby or the possibility of sexual connection, which could lead to another pregnancy—neither of which he could handle. Experienced as hostility and rejection by Carol, these complaints often erupted into fighting and ended up with distance between them.
(Excerpt from Healing Together p. 73.)

Reconsider Behaviors and Reactions that Defuse the Fight!
In the aftermath of trauma and in most circumstances, partners rarely plan to victimize their partner or become victims. More often, given the pain they are both feeling, anger is stirred by one or the other and without realizing it they react in ways that fuel the fight. By reconsidering the meaning of anger, you may find it easier to avoid those behaviors that fuel the fight and choose alternate responses that defuse the path to destructive anger. A painful pattern cannot persist if even one partner begins to act in a less reactive, more constructive way. Consider the following behaviors that defuse the fight:

• Observe yourself. Step back and consider if you are overreacting or provoking your partner. Even if you examine your reaction after it happens, your consideration alters the chance of impulsively or unwittingly repeating it.
• Consider the broader context. Reconsider your partner’s offense in the light of what is going on in your lives. This does not mean self-silencing or condoning abusive behavior. It means that when she leaves all the doors open, he forgets to pay bills, she bangs up the car – it is put into some perspective. Blame and shame do very little to improve functioning or feelings.
• Give yourself and your partner permission for time and space. If you are unable to take time to calm down and rethink a situation, you will have more difficulty moving from a “me-versus-you” survival mentality to a place of rational thinking, problem solving and empathy. Cornering your partner – not permitting him or her to walk away, calm down, or save face – fuels irrational and aggressive behavior.
• Account for the circumstances. Bringing up an argument in front of family, friends or children adds shame and guilt that generally escalates tension and fighting.
• Protect each other from verbal assaults. Taunts, insults, accusations and threats set the other up for withdrawal or retaliation. They never invite communication and are often difficult to forget.
• Avoid the “silent treatment.” The silent treatment is both provocative and withholding and adds little understanding to the situation. When held in the face of the other’s attempt to apologize it limits hope and invites despair and often rage.
• Avoid alcohol or drugs. Using substances before or during an angry exchange is like pouring lighter fluid on a small flame- resolution becomes impossible.
• Use “we” as a point of reference. Even if the only thing you can say is that “We are really having a hard time talking”; “We are really coming from different places”; “Maybe we can write down what we each think”; “We need to get through this without hurting each other” you will have changed the configuration from me vs. you to “we” have a challenge together!

“ The survival of romance depends not on skill in avoiding aggression but on the capacity to contain it alongside love.” (Mitchell, 2002, p. 120)

For Further Reading

Mitchell, S. A. 2002. Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time. New York: W.W. Norton.

Stone, V. 2002. Cops Don’t Cry: A book of Help and Hope for Police Families. Ontario, Canada: Creative Bound.

Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP is a licensed psychologist. She is Adjunct Professor of Clinical Psychology in the Doctoral Program of Long Island University and on the faculty of the Post-Doctoral Programs of the Derner Institute of Adelphi University. Suzanne Phillips, PsyD and Dianne Kane are the authors of Healing Together: A Couple's Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress. Learn more about their work at couplesaftertrauma.com.

Your Recommended Daily Allowance for Relaxation

Your Recommended Daily Allowance for Relaxation

Stress is the curse of living in modern times. Everyone suffers from stress. And the stress we suffer takes a heavy toll on our bodies, emotions and minds.

Feeling stressed out, worn out by fatigue or just simply having a miserable day, the best thing to do is relax.

Watching television may be a form of relaxation for some, but is not a recommended method by experts. When we watch TV we are bombarded with commercials, ads, sounds and images. So how do we achieve relaxation? If there are thousands of ways we can get stressed, one of them is not meeting deadlines, there are also many ways we can relax.

In recent studies, experts have determined that heart disease is linked to anger and irritability is linked to mental stress. Too much stress brings about ischemia that can lead to or cause a heart attack. Relaxation takes on added importance in light of this matter. Managing your anger and attitude is significant to heart health, and relaxation can help you manage stress.

One way of relaxation is transcendental meditation. Recent studies have also shown that this method might reduce artery blockage, which is a major cause for heart attack and stroke. People practice transcendental meditation by repeating uttering soothing sounds while meditating, this is to achieve total relaxation. The researchers found that practitioners of transcendental meditation significantly reduced the thickness of their arterial wall compared with those who didn't practice transcendental meditation.

Another study on another method of relaxation, acupuncture, seems to reduce high blood pressure by initiating several body functions for the brain to release chemical compounds known as endorphins. Endorphin helps to relax muscles, ease panic, decrease pain, and reduce anxiety.

Yoga is also another method for relaxation and may also have similar effects like acupuncture. In another study, participants were subjected to several minutes of mental stress. Then they were subjected to various relaxation techniques, such as listening to nature sounds or classical music. Only those who did Yoga significantly reduced the time it took for their blood pressures to go back to normal. Yoga is a form of progressive relaxation.

Breathing is one of the easiest methods to relax. Breathing influences alamost all aspects of us, it affects our mind, our moods and our body. Simply focus on your breathing, after some time you can feel its effects right away.

There are several breathing techniques that can help you reduce stress.

Another easy way to achieve relaxation is exercise. If you feel irritated a simple half-hour of exercise will often settle things down. Although exercise is a great way to lose weight, it does not show you how to manage stress appropriately. Exercise should also be used in conjunction with other exercise method.

One great way of relaxation is getting a massage. To gain full relaxation, you need to totally surrender to the handling and touch of a professional therapist.

There are several types of massages that also give different levels of relaxation.

Another method of relaxation is Biofeedback. The usual biofeedback-training program includes a 10-hour sessions that is often spaced one week apart.

Hypnosis is one controversial relaxation technique. It is a good alternative for people who think that they have no idea what it feels like to be relaxed. It is also a good alternative for people with stress related health problems.SelfHypnosis eCourse

Drugs are extreme alternatives to relaxation. They are sometimes not safe and are not effective like the other relaxation methods. This method is only used by trained medical professionals on their patients.

These relaxation techniques are just some of the ways you can achieve relaxation. Another reason why we need to relax, aside from lowering blood pressure in people and decreasing the chances of a stroke or a heart attack, is because stress produces hormones that suppress the immune system, relaxation gives the immune system time to recover and in doing so function more efficiently.

Relaxation lowers the activities within the brains' limbic system; this is the emotional center of our brain.

Furthermore, the brain has a periodic need for a more pronounced activity on the right-hemisphere. Relaxation is one way of achieving this.

Relaxation can really be of good use once a relaxation technique is regularly built into your lifestyle. Choose a technique that you believe you can do regularly.

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