What Is Anger Trying To Tell You

What Is Anger Trying To Tell You About Your Life?

By Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar

Anger. It’s got a pretty bad reputation. And we’re often told what to do with it: be careful with it. Suppress it. Vent it. Override it. It’s like anger’s some kind of volatile, toxic force to be harnessed or defused.

But maybe there’s another way of looking at it altogether.

Maybe you can actually learn from anger. Listen to it. See what it has to tell you. Get curious about it.

The sticker in the photo (above), in a cleverly vandalised train carriage I travelled in recently, has another suggestion for how to respond to anger:

“If anger is present
rove to another age”

So let’s take another look at anger for a moment.

When was the last time you felt angry? Seething. Really hot and bothered. Maybe you were even having those pretend conversations in your mind with the other person (your “enemy” for that moment), setting them straight with devastating wit or eloquence.

Remember that?

And now, instead of being drawn down into the detail of whatever lit your fury at the time, just try sort of stepping back for a second. See what happens if you ask yourself something like:

• What’s this anger trying to tell me?
• Or what’s missing in this picture for me?
• What would resolve this for me – and why?
• What do I actually need right now?
• What’s this really about for me?

And, as the sticker suggests, maybe another good query to ask is:

How old am I right now? What age do I feel inside?

For maybe your anger isn’t just about this one isolated event. Maybe it relates back to a specific incident, or a whole string of them, that you previously experienced. Or a pattern of some kind that started decades ago. Or maybe it’s simply exposing or tapping-into the vulnerability or hurt or lack of control you may have felt when you were young.

So what age are you in the heat of the moment?

And what psychological or emotional age might put you in the best position to start resolving this problem? Would you be older? Younger? Maybe it’s possible to consciously “rove to another age” and draw on things like your adult negotiating skills, your experience of self-soothing, and your fully-grown sense of agency and personal power. Or maybe you want to invite a younger sense of play.

Of course, it can be a big ask to do any of this stuff in the heat of the moment. So it can also be worth coming back to that moment again later. To do some investigating after the fact. To practice.

So that next time anger’s upon you, you’ll have a better chance of really choosing your response – a response that brings you closer to resolving what hurt you in the first place – rather than just being captive to a knee-jerk reaction that often just keeps the damage going.

And maybe that’s another vital lesson which anger can remind us of – that we have choice. Right there, when all your buttons are being pushed, is exactly the time that something you really value is usually centre stage. So, in a way, anger is like a signpost, pointing directly to the moments, the values, that matter most to you. A signpost reminding you of your choices.

And, if you can learn to really see anger like that, with all its invitations and lessons, it’s actually a pretty amazing thing – at any age.

.

Photo and text copyright: Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar

Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar (Grad Dip Counselling & Psychotherapy) is a writer, blogger and Sydney psychotherapist in private practice at One Life Counselling & Psychotherapy. Gabrielle also facilitates telephone support groups for people who are living with cancer, for their carers, and for people who have been bereaved through a cancer experience. She was the former editor of a journal on counselling and psychotherapy and she provides regular therapeutic updates on facebook and Twitter @OneLifeTherapy.

Controlling your Anger

Controlling your anger is not always easy. It is important when a person has anger problems to try to talk to the person. Avoid loosing your temper yourself since this will only cause another problem. When a person has anger issues then that person puts others in danger and if we loose our control then we have a seriously chaotic situation that could lead to violence. If you have a child that has anger issues, it makes since to keep the chain of communication open. Sit your child down and talk with him or her attempting to find out what is making the child frustrated. Do not wait until the child is out of control and then try to talk. This only fuses the person often. Wait until the child cools down and then ask him or her what they feel caused the interruption. You might want to search your own area of contact with the child to see if anything you said or did made the child angry. This will help you to avoid this the next time you and your child are together. My child had anger problems and he was told to take a walk or a cool down period before addressing the issues. Of course, my child had mental illnesses underlying the anger and this contributed to the problems we endured. Self-talk and talking is always helpful when we are dealing with anger. Try to find the source of the anger by talking through the problem. Some recommend the angered person counts to 10 or 15, however if there is an underlying cause then this does not always work. The best solution is finding what works for you. It is also recommended that the child play a game, such as PlayStation, Nintendo or other game console and play until your anger ceases. Again, this works for some of us, but not all of us. A great technique I found valuable was drawing the source of your anger if possible. Writing, self-talk, talk, art, and music has proven in my experience to be more effective verses the other types of techniques offered. Exercise is also great. Running around the block, riding a bike, or going for a walk has proven helpful for eliminating anger for some individuals. Dance is great for relieving anger. Dance is a natural source of getting in touch with your feeling. If you ever wondered what the term she’s got soul means, well when you dance, feel the music and adhere to the steps of the beat then you got soul. There is nothing like the boogie fever since it relieves stress, tension, anxiety and makes your body and mind feel good since you did something constructive. If you must vent your frustration on something, get a punching bad, or else beat the heck out of your pillow. Some great advice came from health fitness experts when they advice me to enlist my child in Kick Boxing, Boxing, or Wrestling. This is said to teach the person control. Karate is another recommended source for helping a person deal with anger. The problem is when we are dealing with anger; we must get the other person to cooperate. Since most persons angered will find an excuse why the techniques provided to them does not work, it is important to get them to understand their anger, the problems and how the techniques can benefit them if they apply them selves. Crying is good for relieving stress and anger also; however, this is not always suitable for everyone. My children were raised understanding that it is ok to cry regardless of gender. Therefore, we need to teach our children regardless of gender that it is ok to express your emotions and feelings. That is not a disgrace; rather it is a developing of character strategy that works best for us all. Emotions when suppressed will create more problems for the people in society; therefore, it is important to address your feelings and emotions when they arise. Dealing with the problems when they arise is the best solution for dealing with emotions. Controlling your anger is not always easy, but it is possible.

Anger Increase with Substance Abuse

When substance abuse is in existing then we are dealing with a mind that is shackled with anger. A person with an alcohol or drug problem often feels that the world has let them down. A person with alcohol or drug abuse often has difficult dealing with their emotions, anger and stress. When the person feels stress, they will often head to the liquor store or the nearby drug dealer for a fix. This is a temporary answer to the problem that adds more problems to the existing issues. Therefore, finding a more productive method for dealing with stress, emotions and anger is advisable. If you resort to alcohol or drugs for relief, you might want to realize that the world has more to offer you. Mental health services can go a long way since your problem is not directly the alcohol or drugs but an underlying source exists that links to the real problem. You probably lived a life and lacked development in your growth. You may even lack educational knowledge that helps you to see things in full light. You might even have a mental illness that is hindering your from living a productive lifestyle. We see then that alcohol and drugs is just another problem you added to problems already in existence. If you use your resources, you might see that doctors have medications that can help you to cope with stress or mental illnesses. You might even see that there are resources available, such as anger management, help groups, and so forth that can help you find a much more effective way to deal with your anger and stress. If you feel like the world is resting on your shoulders, then you might want to review your problems carefully. In many instances, a person has added problems to their life and is the root of their own behavioral issues. You will probably see that alcohol and drugs is playing a large part in how you behave in society. Alcohol usually makes us express our emotions freely without preservation. This opens us up to evil, since our perceptions, sound, and words are affected. This means you may misinterpret someone talking to you, flare up with anger, and possibly engage in a fight. Never take life for granted. If you believe that alcohol and drugs is the answer to your problems then you are on the road to destruction. Life is filled with problems and we all have to face them every single day. It is how you deal with the problems that enhance your success and coping abilities. If you have difficulty managing stress then you might want to review the triggers that ignite your emotions. For example, if you are visiting associations that adhere to negative living then you can see that new friends are needed. In fact, you will see that the association is not friends anyway. A good friend will not allow you to drive and drink, or take you to a bar if you already had too much to drink. A good friend will tell you to your face when you are doing something wrong and try to help you find a way to stop. Alcohol and drugs only increase your chances of exploding when your emotions are threatened. You might have probable cause to strike out, but in most cases, you do not have cause at all. I hope that this helps you to see that alcohol and drugs only increase anger’s chances of opening up and extending your problems. If you are an abuser then your path is marked, since if you are caught drinking and driving you will have more problems that what you already had. If you are taking drugs then you know that someday the police will knock on your door and ask you to step outside. Once those handcuffs go on, alcohol, drugs will be removed from the picture, and more problems will lead you to overwhelming stress, meaning you are adding something to what you could not face in the first place. There are people that care whether you can see it or not. You are not alone!

Five Steps to Calm Anger With Empathy

By Athena Staik, Ph.D.

When you are upset, you likely yearn for someone who will listen without judging or trying to fix you, and perhaps responses that gently nudge you in the direction of restoring your sense of belief and hope in yourself or others, perhaps life.  Everyone needs this from time to time. It’s like the refresh button on the computer.
What word describes this feeling? Empathy.
Empathy is what helps you connect to your compassion in ways that can turn problems into joy-filled great relationships.
According to Dr. Al Kasziniak, empathy is:

• Feeling what another person is feeling.
• Knowing what another person is feeling.
• Responding compassionately when another is in distress.

The amazing work of neuroscientists such as Marco Iacoboni reveals human beings are neurologically “wired for empathy” and — an innate moral nature. The same brain circuits are mobilized whether feeling one’s own pain and others’, and merely observing someone performing a certain action activates the same areas of the brain in the observer.
The special neurons that make this possible are known as “mirror neurons” are linked with the experience of empathy, compassion and learning.
Not surprisingly, the ability to remain empathically connected, especially in challenging moments when you are triggered, is a key attribute of partners in strong, healthy marriages.
In contrast, the absence of an empathic connection is what underlies arguments and distressed relationships. Without empathy, fears and anxieties about human drives for love and recognition in your relationships, etc., activate defensive reactions. It disturbs your sense of safety and trust when the empathic connection in your relationships is thrown off balance.
And, when it comes to anger, guess what? Conflict is healthy for the brain. Whereas overwhelming emotional stress has a reverse effect on the development of brain cells, it appears that low levels of stress — and yes, even conflict — stimulate new cell growth. In one study of young children during periods of conflict, noted neuroscientist Allen N. Schore found more development occurred at this time.
Here are five steps to calm anger with empathy. Whether you’re angry or just annoyed, these steps help you to remain calm, present, connected with what is going on inside of you (i.e., thoughts, feelings), so that you can listen empathically to what underlies your own or another’s anger or pain.

PROBLEM: Your partner gets upset and yells, “You’re never serious” and “You’re always fooling around!” How would you stay empathically connected to self and him/her so that you remain calm, confident present?

1. Stop. Breathe. Set an Intention. The first step, to pause and take several deep breaths, helps to center your attention in the present moment. It also gives you an opportunity to use the power of your imagination to set an intention for what you optimally want in the situation, at minimum, be sure to set an intention to empathically listen, understand and connect from start to finish. Imagine that you feel great about the rapport you maintained at the end of the communication.
2. Notice your self-talk. Observe what you are telling yourself inside your head. Look for judging or blaming thoughts, such as “What a jerk he/she… is” and, setting these aside, refocus on your set intention to empathically listen, connect, remain a calm presence.  Remind yourself that what your partner said has more to do with what is going on inside of them than you (so choose to never take anything personally)!
3. Connect with your feelings and needs. Connect with your feelings and needs to validate your experience. What are you feeling? Where do you feel these feelings in your body? What do you need in this situation? Remind yourself that if your inner talk blames, judges, negatively labels the other, i.e., “What a jerk,” this risks that you will get triggered.
Use the following format to connect to what is going on inside you:

When I __ (observation), I (feeling) __ because (need) __.

For example:

“When my partner said ‘You’re always fooling around,” I felt hurt because I was just being funny to help him/her lighten up and I want him/her to see and recognize my good intentions.”

4. Connect with the other’s feelings and needs. Now connect with what is going on inside the other by guessing what they may be feeling or needing emotionally in the situation to feel safe. One possibility may be that he/she felt frustrated because in that moment he/she wanted to be taken seriously, and thus interpreted your humor as not caring about his/her feelings. (You won’t know for sure until you check by verbalizing your guess.)
Use the following format to guess inside what your brother may be feeling.

I wonder if he/she feels _____ because (need)  _____?

For example:

“I wonder if he/she feels upset because he/she wanted me to recognize how important this issue was to him/her.”

5. Verbalize your guess. Check your understanding of other’s feelings and emotional needs with a question.

“Are you feeling upset because you wanted understanding of how important this issue is to you, and really wish I would stop joking?”

It’s a simple choice between looking at and shifting your thoughts and emotions inside to calm your body and mind, or allowing defensive programs take control. Is it easy? No, yet when you realize the power of empathy, you realize how infinitely capable you are to create positive shifts in your relationships.
It can feel great, in a comfortable, confident and calming way.
RESOURCES:
Iacoboni, M.  (2007)  “Neuroscience Will Change Society,” EDGE, The World Question Center.  Retrieved January 20, 2011, from the World Wide Web: http://www.edge.org/q2007/q07_8.html.
Schore A. N. (2003).  Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self.  NY: W. W. Norton.

Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Love™: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com.

Self-Esteem and Anger

How does self-esteem play a part in emotions and anger? When a person has a low self-esteem, they are subject to anger, since their emotions are off balanced. When a person feels good about them selves, they often have self-control, which makes their life easier.

They are capable of socializing without running into problems along the way. Everyone has problems, but when we have self-control, our self-esteem is often showing to others. Therefore, others see a confident person they are willing to affiliate with and may even wonder what the person does to have such a wonderful attitude.

 On the other hand, when a person has self-esteem issues they are often looked down upon since their behaviors are evident of their problem.

Why do we have self-esteem? What is the purpose of this normal product in a being? Self-esteem is a respect for oneself, and confidence within. When we feel in control of our person, we often know how to avoid problems sufficiently.

 Usually when a person has low self-esteem they often associate with others that have aggressive mental issues, low self-images, and more problems than average to deal with. When a person feels bad about their self-worth, they will often join in risky activities or intake harmful substances that only increase the anger inside.

 We are all different in our own way. Some of us are abused, some heavy, some skinny, some beautiful and some are not. We can look at this in many ways to find a resolve inside our selves, rather than dwelling on what we cannot change. Many of the beautiful people prove ugly since their personalities illustrate unruly behaviors or attitudes. Therefore, are you are good person with a low self-esteem?

 If you are then you might want to boost that image of yourself since many people like a good person. Did you know that you do not have to be a rocket scientist to have a good outlook in life?

When people see us smiling cheerfully when we are out in public they often stand back and wonder what kind of pills you take. They will not wonder if you are rich, poor, or suffered a dreadful life, rather they will see the person inside.

 If you see how self-esteem makes or break a person, you will know that this is an instigator of your anger. We all deal with anger differently. When we deal with anger and good results come in the picture then we know we have control.

 On the other hand, if we are internally medicating ourselves, forcing our emotions to believe we are less than others are, then we do not have control, rather we have anger under the surface and at any time, we are ready to explode.

 Let’s review your self-esteem. How do you feel inside most days?

Do you think that you are a good person and feel that your life is in   control?

Do you spend hours in the closet trying to find an outfit that will enhance your looks?

Do you spend hours in the mirror studying your features wondering what you can change about your appearance?

These are a few of the signs that tell us what type of self-esteem you have of your self. And if you are spending hours finding a way to change your appearance you are only developing anger within, since you are who you are and you are not accepting it.

 Most likely, you endured some hardships throughout your history that contributed to your self-image, therefore you need to examine your inner being and inner child to find out what occurred that made you feel the way you do.

 If you were abused, remember you were the victim and now you are survivor. That my friend is positive and it should help to see that you are worth as much as any other person in life. You are angry because of how people treated you and probably feel like you let your self down. This is not true! Someone else let you down, which threatened your emotions and this is where anger lies. If you have anger issues, get help, there is nothing wrong with it!

Ripping Loose or Calming Down A Guide To Anger Management

5 Ways to Handle Your Child's Anger

Image by mdanys via Flickr

Children can feel and express anger at a very young age. As they grow older, their understanding towards people and things around them starts to advance. Therefore, their way of expressing anger will also change, eventually.

As they grow up, situations that will cause them to become angry will increase. By now, they tend to understand more about their surroundings and had been in a lot of situations that would probably make them angry. All these are part of their development process.

The family plays a very important role in the emotional growth of the children, which has a direct influence on how they feel and the way they express their anger. Research shows that most children tend to imitate the behavior of their parents, whether directly or indirectly. So please, do not do things that you would not want your children to follow, in front of them. The surrounding at home is also very important as it plays a key role in the emotional development of the children.

I will share with you 5 very simple, yet proven to be effective ways that you can handle your children when they are in anger. They are also found at Child Anger Management - Helping Young Children with Anger, Effectively.

1. As a responsible parent, try to change the environment at home to prevent experiences or situations that will lead to unnecessary stress, anger or frustration between you and your children.
2. Do not take their anger personally. This will have direct influence on them. The angrier you are, the more anger they might have inside them too. Take a break before everything goes out of hand.
3. Try to direct their attention away from the current situation. Try to distract them from the situation, and get a break to cool things off before it gets worse.
4. It is very important that we as parents do not give in when our children is having their tantrums. If we do, they will think that by acting in that way, they can get what they want from us.
5. Do not lecture or hit your children when they are in anger, or for no particular reasons. It will only make things worse. Keep it for another day. Try to have a slow conversation with them to cool them down.

I hope these few tips help.

Need more info and a free eCourse Click Here!

What are some Anger Management Techniques?

Image by ☆Mi☺Λmor☆ via Flickr

Having trouble controlling anger is a major issue in many individuals lives. Addressing this issue can be difficult if the person is unwilling to admit to their problem and seek help. It is imperative that people be supportive and encouraging to those with anger issues. At times it may seem impossible since these people can be hurtful and even violent. Helping them to realize they need help would be the initial step to controlling their anger.

Once an individual is willing to work on their anger problem and turn to anger management, there are anger management techniques which will be taught to help them. There are many techniques which are beneficial regarding anger management. It might be necessary for the individual to try them all in order to find anger management techniques that work best for them.

One technique recommended for anger management is relaxation. Angry feelings and emotions can be calmed by relaxing exercises such as deep breathing, relaxing imagery and slow non strenuous exercise similar to yoga. When a person becomes irritated and headed for a fit of anger, it is suggested they breathe deeply. This technique recommends that the person breathe from their diaphragm in order to relax. Using relaxing imagery may work for some people. Allowing their mind and thoughts to go to a happy place, a relaxing experience may help to calm them down. This imagery may be of a past experience or the individual could use their imagination. The yoga-like exercises used as an anger management technique are meant to relax the muscles which in turn will help the individual feel much calmer.

Problem solving is used as an anger management technique. It is important for an individual to discover the reason for their anger. Anger is a natural response to certain situations and at times it is an acceptable reaction but there are other incidents when the anger is not appropriate. There is a reason for the anger and to every problem there is said to be a solution. When a situation arises, the individual is taught not to focus on the solution but rather the problem. Finding ways to handle the problem and confront it is the main objective in this anger management technique. It may take awhile to conform to this plan. It is important to stick to it, eventually the answers will come.

People with anger issues are taught through anger management techniques to practice better communication skills. Often a fit of anger arises because an individual misunderstood a conversation. Before giving it any thought, they become enraged and filled with anger. Anger management teaches the individual to slow down their thinking, think before they speak or react. The easily angered person needs to listen to the underlying message and try not to jump to conclusions. When feeling on the defensive side, the individual should learn not to fight back. Listening rationally to what the other person has to say might make a huge difference in a reaction.

These are just a few anger management techniques. There are many others which may be helpful to an individual requiring help. There are many books, movies and website on the Internet which can provide information regarding anger management techniques.
Here are just a few:
Anger Management For The Twenty First Century Ebook

Anger Management - Regaining Control Of

Stop The Insanity - Control Your Anger Today

Anger management and your life

Image by Nature Explorer via Flickr

Anger management and your life

When it comes to anger management you want to reconstruct the person in the way, they think. With anger, management they will try to limit the swearing and tone that can be considered threatening. They will try to knock out the drama. When those who issues get angry, they tend to be over dramatic and irrational.

They became very paranoid as well. When it comes to anger management, they going to try to pin point the triggers and then try to make the person think differently. They want the person to think about their actions what society claims to be acceptable. They will make the person examine what behaviors they project that is acceptable and unacceptable. Two words that people who need anger management say a lot is never and always.

Stop The Insanity - Control Your Anger Today.

As you know, you should never use these words with seriousness because it will become threatening and demeaning to another. Instead of saying never they would ask the person to rephrase the statement in positive way so that they aren’t being so negative. Always can be replaced with sometimes and this adds hope and a positive reflection to the same statement.

In addition, in this time of reflection you should ask yourself when did anger get you anywhere? What has it given to you? Why do you need it? What can you replace your anger with to be more positive? There are probably times when you did something out of anger that made you feel worse. This is because anger solves nothing.


Stop The Insanity - Control Your Anger Today.

When you get angry you do not stop and think about your actions and people tend to get hurt emotionally and physically. Logically, people think that anger is justifiable; eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. When you get angry what do you expect? You want to be appreciated; you may want to be heard. When you figure out what exactly it is that you need you are able to control your habits by finding alternatives.

With anger management, you are able to find out what alternatives help you to control your rage and to learn how to positively reflect upon yourself. Everyone has room for improve and reflection is what keeps a person in control and stable. Anger management reconstructs how you see yourself, as well as, others.

You can eliminate the negative things and replace them with a positive statement. Anger management will give you a new path that you may enjoy following, because when you are positive good things happen for you.
If you would like to learn more about overcoming your anger or would like to help someone you know with anger problems.

All Inclusive Book With Audio MP3 Covering Simple Yet Powerfully Effective Methods Of Anger Management And Anger Control. Click Here!

Anger management and your life

Image by Nature Explorer via Flickr

Anger management and your life

When it comes to anger management you want to reconstruct the person in the way, they think. With anger, management they will try to limit the swearing and tone that can be considered threatening. They will try to knock out the drama. When those who issues get angry, they tend to be over dramatic and irrational.

They became very paranoid as well. When it comes to anger management, they going to try to pin point the triggers and then try to make the person think differently. They want the person to think about their actions what society claims to be acceptable. They will make the person examine what behaviors they project that is acceptable and unacceptable. Two words that people who need anger management say a lot is never and always.

Stop The Insanity - Control Your Anger Today.

As you know, you should never use these words with seriousness because it will become threatening and demeaning to another. Instead of saying never they would ask the person to rephrase the statement in positive way so that they aren’t being so negative. Always can be replaced with sometimes and this adds hope and a positive reflection to the same statement.

In addition, in this time of reflection you should ask yourself when did anger get you anywhere? What has it given to you? Why do you need it? What can you replace your anger with to be more positive? There are probably times when you did something out of anger that made you feel worse. This is because anger solves nothing.


Stop The Insanity - Control Your Anger Today.

When you get angry you do not stop and think about your actions and people tend to get hurt emotionally and physically. Logically, people think that anger is justifiable; eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. When you get angry what do you expect? You want to be appreciated; you may want to be heard. When you figure out what exactly it is that you need you are able to control your habits by finding alternatives.

With anger management, you are able to find out what alternatives help you to control your rage and to learn how to positively reflect upon yourself. Everyone has room for improve and reflection is what keeps a person in control and stable. Anger management reconstructs how you see yourself, as well as, others.

You can eliminate the negative things and replace them with a positive statement. Anger management will give you a new path that you may enjoy following, because when you are positive good things happen for you.
If you would like to learn more about overcoming your anger or would like to help someone you know with anger problems.

All Inclusive Book With Audio MP3 Covering Simple Yet Powerfully Effective Methods Of Anger Management And Anger Control. Click Here!