What Is Anger Trying To Tell You

What Is Anger Trying To Tell You About Your Life?

By Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar

Anger. It’s got a pretty bad reputation. And we’re often told what to do with it: be careful with it. Suppress it. Vent it. Override it. It’s like anger’s some kind of volatile, toxic force to be harnessed or defused.

But maybe there’s another way of looking at it altogether.

Maybe you can actually learn from anger. Listen to it. See what it has to tell you. Get curious about it.

The sticker in the photo (above), in a cleverly vandalised train carriage I travelled in recently, has another suggestion for how to respond to anger:

“If anger is present
rove to another age”

So let’s take another look at anger for a moment.

When was the last time you felt angry? Seething. Really hot and bothered. Maybe you were even having those pretend conversations in your mind with the other person (your “enemy” for that moment), setting them straight with devastating wit or eloquence.

Remember that?

And now, instead of being drawn down into the detail of whatever lit your fury at the time, just try sort of stepping back for a second. See what happens if you ask yourself something like:

• What’s this anger trying to tell me?
• Or what’s missing in this picture for me?
• What would resolve this for me – and why?
• What do I actually need right now?
• What’s this really about for me?

And, as the sticker suggests, maybe another good query to ask is:

How old am I right now? What age do I feel inside?

For maybe your anger isn’t just about this one isolated event. Maybe it relates back to a specific incident, or a whole string of them, that you previously experienced. Or a pattern of some kind that started decades ago. Or maybe it’s simply exposing or tapping-into the vulnerability or hurt or lack of control you may have felt when you were young.

So what age are you in the heat of the moment?

And what psychological or emotional age might put you in the best position to start resolving this problem? Would you be older? Younger? Maybe it’s possible to consciously “rove to another age” and draw on things like your adult negotiating skills, your experience of self-soothing, and your fully-grown sense of agency and personal power. Or maybe you want to invite a younger sense of play.

Of course, it can be a big ask to do any of this stuff in the heat of the moment. So it can also be worth coming back to that moment again later. To do some investigating after the fact. To practice.

So that next time anger’s upon you, you’ll have a better chance of really choosing your response – a response that brings you closer to resolving what hurt you in the first place – rather than just being captive to a knee-jerk reaction that often just keeps the damage going.

And maybe that’s another vital lesson which anger can remind us of – that we have choice. Right there, when all your buttons are being pushed, is exactly the time that something you really value is usually centre stage. So, in a way, anger is like a signpost, pointing directly to the moments, the values, that matter most to you. A signpost reminding you of your choices.

And, if you can learn to really see anger like that, with all its invitations and lessons, it’s actually a pretty amazing thing – at any age.

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Photo and text copyright: Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar

Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar (Grad Dip Counselling & Psychotherapy) is a writer, blogger and Sydney psychotherapist in private practice at One Life Counselling & Psychotherapy. Gabrielle also facilitates telephone support groups for people who are living with cancer, for their carers, and for people who have been bereaved through a cancer experience. She was the former editor of a journal on counselling and psychotherapy and she provides regular therapeutic updates on facebook and Twitter @OneLifeTherapy.

The Evil Realm of an Angry Mind

We all have rules we must follow in life. If we are not following those rules then consequences result. We are taught as children to not steal, lie, cheat, or hurt another person, yet some of us believe the rules are only set for certain individuals. At one time in our life we may had taking another direction, or else our emotions are the source that we use often to control our lives. Some of us even hurt others, including intimidating, humiliating, or assaulting the person physically believing we have the right to do so. When we hurt others, it satisfies our covetous side and the person often disregards the person harmed. The type of person described will offer charm others leading them to believe that they are a role model in society. Yet, the anger burning within the person will lead him or her to crimes, including robbery, theft, burglary, assaults, and so on. This type of angry person will harm others and never believe that consequences should be issued to him or her. For example, they may steal something from another person and reason that the person did not deserve it, while the perpetrator did. The person may batter his or her spouse and blame it on the victim, rather than taking responsibility for his or her action and behaviors. The anger then is a root of hatred of people rather than a hatred of what people do. This type will often become aggressive whether there is cause or not. Most times the person will act on his or her impulses, which includes risky behaviors. The person will often neglect responsibility and will assault, humiliate, intimidate, and control others around them. Now the anger is different in this case, since a personality disorders is obvious. There are many techniques available to help those with anger problems, but this type often refuses help and when help is available will often use it to their advantage. Most times these types will meet the criminal justice system, by paying fines, spending time in jail, and so on. This often continues throughout the person’s life, since no help has been proven workable for the personality types. Therefore, we are dealing with anger that is buried deeper than any technique can handle. A walk around the block, a ride on a bicycle, writing, dance, art, or none of the prescribed techniques or going to master the anger in the realm of these angry minds. The only possible solution is waiting until this type kills or commits a felony that will get them life in prison. Once in prison they will function best, since more control is on them. Until scientist come up with a technique that involves controlling and the law permits this, then these angry minds will exist and harm others repeatedly. The angry minds will enjoy harming others, including animals. They have no sympathy or regard for anyone, including a newborn child. They often enjoy dominating everyone around them, and will promise to change their behaviors obsessive when someone starts to care. This is a trap! If a person is telling you this, he or she is lowing you into a web of the mind of anger that will burn out of control until someone controls the mind permanently. The personality type will often avoid working, but when they do land a job, they often search for careers that put them in total control. Since prejudice plays a role in their lives, they often belittle the different gender, or race. Everyone is responsible for his or her behavior and actions, and they are excused from all behaviors including sexual, rape, murder, theft and so forth. We all can find an answer for controlling our emotions and anger; but in this case, no one has a known answer to date. Some examples of angry minds can be seen in the case studies of Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, John Wayne Gacy, Henry Howard and other named Serial Killers. If you walk in the realm of an angry mind, walk with extreme caution. In conclusion, anger management is no master to the angry minds. 

 

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Anger Increase with Substance Abuse

When substance abuse is in existing then we are dealing with a mind that is shackled with anger. A person with an alcohol or drug problem often feels that the world has let them down. A person with alcohol or drug abuse often has difficult dealing with their emotions, anger and stress. When the person feels stress, they will often head to the liquor store or the nearby drug dealer for a fix. This is a temporary answer to the problem that adds more problems to the existing issues. Therefore, finding a more productive method for dealing with stress, emotions and anger is advisable. If you resort to alcohol or drugs for relief, you might want to realize that the world has more to offer you. Mental health services can go a long way since your problem is not directly the alcohol or drugs but an underlying source exists that links to the real problem. You probably lived a life and lacked development in your growth. You may even lack educational knowledge that helps you to see things in full light. You might even have a mental illness that is hindering your from living a productive lifestyle. We see then that alcohol and drugs is just another problem you added to problems already in existence. If you use your resources, you might see that doctors have medications that can help you to cope with stress or mental illnesses. You might even see that there are resources available, such as anger management, help groups, and so forth that can help you find a much more effective way to deal with your anger and stress. If you feel like the world is resting on your shoulders, then you might want to review your problems carefully. In many instances, a person has added problems to their life and is the root of their own behavioral issues. You will probably see that alcohol and drugs is playing a large part in how you behave in society. Alcohol usually makes us express our emotions freely without preservation. This opens us up to evil, since our perceptions, sound, and words are affected. This means you may misinterpret someone talking to you, flare up with anger, and possibly engage in a fight. Never take life for granted. If you believe that alcohol and drugs is the answer to your problems then you are on the road to destruction. Life is filled with problems and we all have to face them every single day. It is how you deal with the problems that enhance your success and coping abilities. If you have difficulty managing stress then you might want to review the triggers that ignite your emotions. For example, if you are visiting associations that adhere to negative living then you can see that new friends are needed. In fact, you will see that the association is not friends anyway. A good friend will not allow you to drive and drink, or take you to a bar if you already had too much to drink. A good friend will tell you to your face when you are doing something wrong and try to help you find a way to stop. Alcohol and drugs only increase your chances of exploding when your emotions are threatened. You might have probable cause to strike out, but in most cases, you do not have cause at all. I hope that this helps you to see that alcohol and drugs only increase anger’s chances of opening up and extending your problems. If you are an abuser then your path is marked, since if you are caught drinking and driving you will have more problems that what you already had. If you are taking drugs then you know that someday the police will knock on your door and ask you to step outside. Once those handcuffs go on, alcohol, drugs will be removed from the picture, and more problems will lead you to overwhelming stress, meaning you are adding something to what you could not face in the first place. There are people that care whether you can see it or not. You are not alone!

Five Steps to Calm Anger With Empathy

By Athena Staik, Ph.D.

When you are upset, you likely yearn for someone who will listen without judging or trying to fix you, and perhaps responses that gently nudge you in the direction of restoring your sense of belief and hope in yourself or others, perhaps life.  Everyone needs this from time to time. It’s like the refresh button on the computer.
What word describes this feeling? Empathy.
Empathy is what helps you connect to your compassion in ways that can turn problems into joy-filled great relationships.
According to Dr. Al Kasziniak, empathy is:

• Feeling what another person is feeling.
• Knowing what another person is feeling.
• Responding compassionately when another is in distress.

The amazing work of neuroscientists such as Marco Iacoboni reveals human beings are neurologically “wired for empathy” and — an innate moral nature. The same brain circuits are mobilized whether feeling one’s own pain and others’, and merely observing someone performing a certain action activates the same areas of the brain in the observer.
The special neurons that make this possible are known as “mirror neurons” are linked with the experience of empathy, compassion and learning.
Not surprisingly, the ability to remain empathically connected, especially in challenging moments when you are triggered, is a key attribute of partners in strong, healthy marriages.
In contrast, the absence of an empathic connection is what underlies arguments and distressed relationships. Without empathy, fears and anxieties about human drives for love and recognition in your relationships, etc., activate defensive reactions. It disturbs your sense of safety and trust when the empathic connection in your relationships is thrown off balance.
And, when it comes to anger, guess what? Conflict is healthy for the brain. Whereas overwhelming emotional stress has a reverse effect on the development of brain cells, it appears that low levels of stress — and yes, even conflict — stimulate new cell growth. In one study of young children during periods of conflict, noted neuroscientist Allen N. Schore found more development occurred at this time.
Here are five steps to calm anger with empathy. Whether you’re angry or just annoyed, these steps help you to remain calm, present, connected with what is going on inside of you (i.e., thoughts, feelings), so that you can listen empathically to what underlies your own or another’s anger or pain.

PROBLEM: Your partner gets upset and yells, “You’re never serious” and “You’re always fooling around!” How would you stay empathically connected to self and him/her so that you remain calm, confident present?

1. Stop. Breathe. Set an Intention. The first step, to pause and take several deep breaths, helps to center your attention in the present moment. It also gives you an opportunity to use the power of your imagination to set an intention for what you optimally want in the situation, at minimum, be sure to set an intention to empathically listen, understand and connect from start to finish. Imagine that you feel great about the rapport you maintained at the end of the communication.
2. Notice your self-talk. Observe what you are telling yourself inside your head. Look for judging or blaming thoughts, such as “What a jerk he/she… is” and, setting these aside, refocus on your set intention to empathically listen, connect, remain a calm presence.  Remind yourself that what your partner said has more to do with what is going on inside of them than you (so choose to never take anything personally)!
3. Connect with your feelings and needs. Connect with your feelings and needs to validate your experience. What are you feeling? Where do you feel these feelings in your body? What do you need in this situation? Remind yourself that if your inner talk blames, judges, negatively labels the other, i.e., “What a jerk,” this risks that you will get triggered.
Use the following format to connect to what is going on inside you:

When I __ (observation), I (feeling) __ because (need) __.

For example:

“When my partner said ‘You’re always fooling around,” I felt hurt because I was just being funny to help him/her lighten up and I want him/her to see and recognize my good intentions.”

4. Connect with the other’s feelings and needs. Now connect with what is going on inside the other by guessing what they may be feeling or needing emotionally in the situation to feel safe. One possibility may be that he/she felt frustrated because in that moment he/she wanted to be taken seriously, and thus interpreted your humor as not caring about his/her feelings. (You won’t know for sure until you check by verbalizing your guess.)
Use the following format to guess inside what your brother may be feeling.

I wonder if he/she feels _____ because (need)  _____?

For example:

“I wonder if he/she feels upset because he/she wanted me to recognize how important this issue was to him/her.”

5. Verbalize your guess. Check your understanding of other’s feelings and emotional needs with a question.

“Are you feeling upset because you wanted understanding of how important this issue is to you, and really wish I would stop joking?”

It’s a simple choice between looking at and shifting your thoughts and emotions inside to calm your body and mind, or allowing defensive programs take control. Is it easy? No, yet when you realize the power of empathy, you realize how infinitely capable you are to create positive shifts in your relationships.
It can feel great, in a comfortable, confident and calming way.
RESOURCES:
Iacoboni, M.  (2007)  “Neuroscience Will Change Society,” EDGE, The World Question Center.  Retrieved January 20, 2011, from the World Wide Web: http://www.edge.org/q2007/q07_8.html.
Schore A. N. (2003).  Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self.  NY: W. W. Norton.

Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Love™: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com.

Self-Esteem and Anger

How does self-esteem play a part in emotions and anger? When a person has a low self-esteem, they are subject to anger, since their emotions are off balanced. When a person feels good about them selves, they often have self-control, which makes their life easier.

They are capable of socializing without running into problems along the way. Everyone has problems, but when we have self-control, our self-esteem is often showing to others. Therefore, others see a confident person they are willing to affiliate with and may even wonder what the person does to have such a wonderful attitude.

 On the other hand, when a person has self-esteem issues they are often looked down upon since their behaviors are evident of their problem.

Why do we have self-esteem? What is the purpose of this normal product in a being? Self-esteem is a respect for oneself, and confidence within. When we feel in control of our person, we often know how to avoid problems sufficiently.

 Usually when a person has low self-esteem they often associate with others that have aggressive mental issues, low self-images, and more problems than average to deal with. When a person feels bad about their self-worth, they will often join in risky activities or intake harmful substances that only increase the anger inside.

 We are all different in our own way. Some of us are abused, some heavy, some skinny, some beautiful and some are not. We can look at this in many ways to find a resolve inside our selves, rather than dwelling on what we cannot change. Many of the beautiful people prove ugly since their personalities illustrate unruly behaviors or attitudes. Therefore, are you are good person with a low self-esteem?

 If you are then you might want to boost that image of yourself since many people like a good person. Did you know that you do not have to be a rocket scientist to have a good outlook in life?

When people see us smiling cheerfully when we are out in public they often stand back and wonder what kind of pills you take. They will not wonder if you are rich, poor, or suffered a dreadful life, rather they will see the person inside.

 If you see how self-esteem makes or break a person, you will know that this is an instigator of your anger. We all deal with anger differently. When we deal with anger and good results come in the picture then we know we have control.

 On the other hand, if we are internally medicating ourselves, forcing our emotions to believe we are less than others are, then we do not have control, rather we have anger under the surface and at any time, we are ready to explode.

 Let’s review your self-esteem. How do you feel inside most days?

Do you think that you are a good person and feel that your life is in   control?

Do you spend hours in the closet trying to find an outfit that will enhance your looks?

Do you spend hours in the mirror studying your features wondering what you can change about your appearance?

These are a few of the signs that tell us what type of self-esteem you have of your self. And if you are spending hours finding a way to change your appearance you are only developing anger within, since you are who you are and you are not accepting it.

 Most likely, you endured some hardships throughout your history that contributed to your self-image, therefore you need to examine your inner being and inner child to find out what occurred that made you feel the way you do.

 If you were abused, remember you were the victim and now you are survivor. That my friend is positive and it should help to see that you are worth as much as any other person in life. You are angry because of how people treated you and probably feel like you let your self down. This is not true! Someone else let you down, which threatened your emotions and this is where anger lies. If you have anger issues, get help, there is nothing wrong with it!

Ripping Loose or Calming Down A Guide To Anger Management

3 Steps to Working With Anger

By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

In his book Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations for Transforming Difficult Emotions, acclaimed author and Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh writes:

Recognize and embrace your anger when it manifests itself. Care for it with tenderness rather than suppressing it.

In an earlier article I wrote about the difference between destructive and constructive anger and how Thich Nhat Hanh writes about taking care of our anger. There are three things you can do to help take care of your anger.

• Acknowledgment - The first point of change happens with awareness. Often times we either are not aware of our anger because we are suppressing and repressing it or not aware of the warning signs before we just explode. Awareness of the warning signs that anger is present is important to begin to get in touch with. The most practical way to do this is by paying attention to our bodies. Think of a scenario that really makes your blood boil and let it stew in your mind for a bit. Then shift your attention to your body and notice what sensations are there. You may notice warmth, tightness in the chest, tension in certain muscles, teeth clenching, and pressure in the eyes. Get to know these physical feelings as they can be a great guide as to when anger is arising.

Along with knowing the warning signs, it’s important to acknowledge in our own minds when anger is here. We can even say; anger is here right now. This nonjudgmental acknowledgment is critical recognizing that there is discontent in us at the moment and it would be wise to do the next step.

• Care of Anger - It is well known that when we are in a state of anger or in a state of repressing our anger, we often times say or do things that we regret later. It’s not that the anger is “bad”, it’s just that often times having a dialogue when really angry isn’t as effective as cooling down and then coming back and expressing what you are feeling. How do we take care of our anger in the moment? With the recognition that the anger is there, you may choose to step away for a bit and notice this discomfort or pain inside. With awareness of it, you may even bring your attention to your breath and say “breathing in, I am aware of this anger, breathing out I calm my body.” You may also choose to take a walk, while attempting to be “tender” and embracing your anger as if it was a little child, a mini-you, who needed love inside. After some time the anger will soften and transform a bit revealing what may be underneath it. This will take some practice.
• Awareness of others - Often times when we get angry there is someone else involved. Our reaction often is one of retaliation to get back at the other person with little awareness that this actually increases our own suffering as the conflict escalates. We don’t want to hold back or pretend we aren’t angry, but we also don’t want to retaliate as this doesn’t help. In this step, it is important to really try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes to see why they possibly reacted the way they did. This can be very difficult or near impossible if it was a serious offense of abuse. So take this step with caution and at your own pace. You may also want to check out and earlier blog on refusing to forgive. Peace in yourself, can lead to peace in the relationship.

By no means is it easy to tame the tiger within, please have compassion for yourself during this process. If you have a longstanding issue of suppressing or all-too-quickly and dramatically expressing your anger, it may be good to seek support from a healthcare professional.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories, and questions. Your interactions here provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist and conducts a private practice in West Los Angeles. Check out Dr. Goldstein's acclaimed CD's on stress prevention, depression, and addiction -- "They are so relevant, I have marked them as one of my favorites on a handout I give to all new clients" ~ Psychiatrist. If you're wanting an interactive program to find relief from anxiety and stress, check out Dr. Goldstein's progressive online behavioral change program in Aliveworld. If you're wanting to integrate more mindfulness into your daily life, sign up for his Mindful Living Twitter Feed. Dr. Goldstein is also available for private psychotherapy.

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