Five Steps to Calm Anger With Empathy

By Athena Staik, Ph.D.

When you are upset, you likely yearn for someone who will listen without judging or trying to fix you, and perhaps responses that gently nudge you in the direction of restoring your sense of belief and hope in yourself or others, perhaps life.  Everyone needs this from time to time. It’s like the refresh button on the computer.
What word describes this feeling? Empathy.
Empathy is what helps you connect to your compassion in ways that can turn problems into joy-filled great relationships.
According to Dr. Al Kasziniak, empathy is:

• Feeling what another person is feeling.
• Knowing what another person is feeling.
• Responding compassionately when another is in distress.

The amazing work of neuroscientists such as Marco Iacoboni reveals human beings are neurologically “wired for empathy” and — an innate moral nature. The same brain circuits are mobilized whether feeling one’s own pain and others’, and merely observing someone performing a certain action activates the same areas of the brain in the observer.
The special neurons that make this possible are known as “mirror neurons” are linked with the experience of empathy, compassion and learning.
Not surprisingly, the ability to remain empathically connected, especially in challenging moments when you are triggered, is a key attribute of partners in strong, healthy marriages.
In contrast, the absence of an empathic connection is what underlies arguments and distressed relationships. Without empathy, fears and anxieties about human drives for love and recognition in your relationships, etc., activate defensive reactions. It disturbs your sense of safety and trust when the empathic connection in your relationships is thrown off balance.
And, when it comes to anger, guess what? Conflict is healthy for the brain. Whereas overwhelming emotional stress has a reverse effect on the development of brain cells, it appears that low levels of stress — and yes, even conflict — stimulate new cell growth. In one study of young children during periods of conflict, noted neuroscientist Allen N. Schore found more development occurred at this time.
Here are five steps to calm anger with empathy. Whether you’re angry or just annoyed, these steps help you to remain calm, present, connected with what is going on inside of you (i.e., thoughts, feelings), so that you can listen empathically to what underlies your own or another’s anger or pain.

PROBLEM: Your partner gets upset and yells, “You’re never serious” and “You’re always fooling around!” How would you stay empathically connected to self and him/her so that you remain calm, confident present?

1. Stop. Breathe. Set an Intention. The first step, to pause and take several deep breaths, helps to center your attention in the present moment. It also gives you an opportunity to use the power of your imagination to set an intention for what you optimally want in the situation, at minimum, be sure to set an intention to empathically listen, understand and connect from start to finish. Imagine that you feel great about the rapport you maintained at the end of the communication.
2. Notice your self-talk. Observe what you are telling yourself inside your head. Look for judging or blaming thoughts, such as “What a jerk he/she… is” and, setting these aside, refocus on your set intention to empathically listen, connect, remain a calm presence.  Remind yourself that what your partner said has more to do with what is going on inside of them than you (so choose to never take anything personally)!
3. Connect with your feelings and needs. Connect with your feelings and needs to validate your experience. What are you feeling? Where do you feel these feelings in your body? What do you need in this situation? Remind yourself that if your inner talk blames, judges, negatively labels the other, i.e., “What a jerk,” this risks that you will get triggered.
Use the following format to connect to what is going on inside you:

When I __ (observation), I (feeling) __ because (need) __.

For example:

“When my partner said ‘You’re always fooling around,” I felt hurt because I was just being funny to help him/her lighten up and I want him/her to see and recognize my good intentions.”

4. Connect with the other’s feelings and needs. Now connect with what is going on inside the other by guessing what they may be feeling or needing emotionally in the situation to feel safe. One possibility may be that he/she felt frustrated because in that moment he/she wanted to be taken seriously, and thus interpreted your humor as not caring about his/her feelings. (You won’t know for sure until you check by verbalizing your guess.)
Use the following format to guess inside what your brother may be feeling.

I wonder if he/she feels _____ because (need)  _____?

For example:

“I wonder if he/she feels upset because he/she wanted me to recognize how important this issue was to him/her.”

5. Verbalize your guess. Check your understanding of other’s feelings and emotional needs with a question.

“Are you feeling upset because you wanted understanding of how important this issue is to you, and really wish I would stop joking?”

It’s a simple choice between looking at and shifting your thoughts and emotions inside to calm your body and mind, or allowing defensive programs take control. Is it easy? No, yet when you realize the power of empathy, you realize how infinitely capable you are to create positive shifts in your relationships.
It can feel great, in a comfortable, confident and calming way.
RESOURCES:
Iacoboni, M.  (2007)  “Neuroscience Will Change Society,” EDGE, The World Question Center.  Retrieved January 20, 2011, from the World Wide Web: http://www.edge.org/q2007/q07_8.html.
Schore A. N. (2003).  Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self.  NY: W. W. Norton.

Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Love™: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com.

Self-Esteem and Anger

How does self-esteem play a part in emotions and anger? When a person has a low self-esteem, they are subject to anger, since their emotions are off balanced. When a person feels good about them selves, they often have self-control, which makes their life easier.

They are capable of socializing without running into problems along the way. Everyone has problems, but when we have self-control, our self-esteem is often showing to others. Therefore, others see a confident person they are willing to affiliate with and may even wonder what the person does to have such a wonderful attitude.

 On the other hand, when a person has self-esteem issues they are often looked down upon since their behaviors are evident of their problem.

Why do we have self-esteem? What is the purpose of this normal product in a being? Self-esteem is a respect for oneself, and confidence within. When we feel in control of our person, we often know how to avoid problems sufficiently.

 Usually when a person has low self-esteem they often associate with others that have aggressive mental issues, low self-images, and more problems than average to deal with. When a person feels bad about their self-worth, they will often join in risky activities or intake harmful substances that only increase the anger inside.

 We are all different in our own way. Some of us are abused, some heavy, some skinny, some beautiful and some are not. We can look at this in many ways to find a resolve inside our selves, rather than dwelling on what we cannot change. Many of the beautiful people prove ugly since their personalities illustrate unruly behaviors or attitudes. Therefore, are you are good person with a low self-esteem?

 If you are then you might want to boost that image of yourself since many people like a good person. Did you know that you do not have to be a rocket scientist to have a good outlook in life?

When people see us smiling cheerfully when we are out in public they often stand back and wonder what kind of pills you take. They will not wonder if you are rich, poor, or suffered a dreadful life, rather they will see the person inside.

 If you see how self-esteem makes or break a person, you will know that this is an instigator of your anger. We all deal with anger differently. When we deal with anger and good results come in the picture then we know we have control.

 On the other hand, if we are internally medicating ourselves, forcing our emotions to believe we are less than others are, then we do not have control, rather we have anger under the surface and at any time, we are ready to explode.

 Let’s review your self-esteem. How do you feel inside most days?

Do you think that you are a good person and feel that your life is in   control?

Do you spend hours in the closet trying to find an outfit that will enhance your looks?

Do you spend hours in the mirror studying your features wondering what you can change about your appearance?

These are a few of the signs that tell us what type of self-esteem you have of your self. And if you are spending hours finding a way to change your appearance you are only developing anger within, since you are who you are and you are not accepting it.

 Most likely, you endured some hardships throughout your history that contributed to your self-image, therefore you need to examine your inner being and inner child to find out what occurred that made you feel the way you do.

 If you were abused, remember you were the victim and now you are survivor. That my friend is positive and it should help to see that you are worth as much as any other person in life. You are angry because of how people treated you and probably feel like you let your self down. This is not true! Someone else let you down, which threatened your emotions and this is where anger lies. If you have anger issues, get help, there is nothing wrong with it!

Ripping Loose or Calming Down A Guide To Anger Management

Creating Effective and Efficient Relationships

Relationships of all kinds are often perceived as very delicate things, that require extra effort to maintain. However, a relationship can also be something that can provide security and can also be long lasting despite many trials.

Building an effective and lasting relationships is a necessity for several reasons. For example in a group or organization, the well being of the people depends on how efficient and effective that group or organization works.

The group or organization is also dependent on how the members work well with the management.

An ineffective group or organization can really be very frustrating.  An effective group or organization can also ask so much on their members, that sometimes the members would be having no life outside the walls of the area where they work or sacrifice the other aspects of their life just to meet deadlines. For an organization or group with this kind of scenario, relationships can be stressed or suffer from breakdown.

People or other entities who depend on these groups or organization also suffer.

Society is defined as a web of relationships, which requires all parties to work and contribute their share in order to achieve  a common goal. Having a relationship that is good, where cooperation and respect are manifested, can make society work better. In this way each member works for the good of the whole and towards achieving a common goal. This can only be attained with effective and efficient relationships.

Understanding the other parties' feeling and position creates an effective and efficient relationship. The easiest method to understand what is important to another party is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. When the other party realizes this, they would feel the importance given to them

Effective and efficient relationships require parties to openly express their feelings and positions on all matters pertinent on the relationship. Assuming that the other party understands our needs and give us when we need it without asking for it is not a good practice.

Respect is the key to relationship. In order to create a more effective relationship, parties should treat each other with respect.  We can show respect just by listening to the other party and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to other parties by confirming that they are doing everything they can.

The opposite of respect is quick forming of judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudice.

Respect is the very foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself and respecting others.

Another key area in forming an effective relationship is to tackle differences of the other party directly. Differences between parties or people are quite interesting. For example in a conversation where each party listens to the other party, you may observe that each is having two different perspectives.

Work towards a win-win solution for both parties.

This can be done when at least one party acknowledges that the relationship is important. That party would then exert more time, effort and energy to understand the other party's needs and deal with it to get it out of the way. Should they fail, it is comforting for that party to know that they tried.

Effectively listening and no pre-judging. This is important if parties are to understand each other.

Informal discussions are conducive for parties. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. They also feel more relaxed making them think more clearly.

Developing an atmosphere where the other party can express their feelings when they need to.

When parties fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.

Parties should be aware that certain things exist naturally but should be controlled in any dealings in any relationship.  Human nature is one. Some of these things found in a relationship also include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person or party for a strained relationship, excluding the other party's feelings when focusing on a task, no clear and defined objectives, roles and expectations of each party in a relationship is also unclear.

Relationships are important to anyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve the relationship. As they say 'No man is an Island'.

5 Ways to Handle Your Child's Anger

Image by mdanys via Flickr

Children can feel and express anger at a very young age. As they grow older, their understanding towards people and things around them starts to advance. Therefore, their way of expressing anger will also change, eventually.

As they grow up, situations that will cause them to become angry will increase. By now, they tend to understand more about their surroundings and had been in a lot of situations that would probably make them angry. All these are part of their development process.

The family plays a very important role in the emotional growth of the children, which has a direct influence on how they feel and the way they express their anger. Research shows that most children tend to imitate the behavior of their parents, whether directly or indirectly. So please, do not do things that you would not want your children to follow, in front of them. The surrounding at home is also very important as it plays a key role in the emotional development of the children.

I will share with you 5 very simple, yet proven to be effective ways that you can handle your children when they are in anger. They are also found at Child Anger Management - Helping Young Children with Anger, Effectively.

1. As a responsible parent, try to change the environment at home to prevent experiences or situations that will lead to unnecessary stress, anger or frustration between you and your children.
2. Do not take their anger personally. This will have direct influence on them. The angrier you are, the more anger they might have inside them too. Take a break before everything goes out of hand.
3. Try to direct their attention away from the current situation. Try to distract them from the situation, and get a break to cool things off before it gets worse.
4. It is very important that we as parents do not give in when our children is having their tantrums. If we do, they will think that by acting in that way, they can get what they want from us.
5. Do not lecture or hit your children when they are in anger, or for no particular reasons. It will only make things worse. Keep it for another day. Try to have a slow conversation with them to cool them down.

I hope these few tips help.

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I don’t like your attitude

Image via Wikipedia

People always fluctuate in their behavior from day to day and we all have had our times in which we acted rude to people, and had the pleasure of having the reverse happen as well. Kay Redfield Jamison an international guru of about mood disorders has had her share of mood swings during her times. For years she kept this extreme psychological disorder a secret in which she had moods that switched from being super excited known as mania, to times that she was lethargic and depressed. She actually wrote a book about these events and tells about it in more detail. By the way, the disorder was known as bipolar disorder and effects many people around the world. With determination, a strong will, and support from her family and friends she overcame her struggles and continue to teach about psychological disorders to this day. I know that you’re probably wondering what are the types of characteristics of deviant or abnormal behavior? Well, one way abnormal behavior can be diagnosed is with some common symptoms. It may surprise you that there are about 40 million Americans that are affected by some type of psychological disorder. You may think of a psychological disorder as what the main character had in the movie “A beautiful Mind.” In essence you are right but there are a lot more other characteristics involved and a psychological disorder can also be defined by having an addiction to a substance like alcohol or drugs. To fully understand psychological disorders an individual must analyze abnormal behavior. Let’s take a look at three different case studies.

• A twenty six year old woman named Helena has a need to walk in a specific way. When she is walking on the street in the public she believes that if she steps on certain cracks she will have bad luck, but in order to reverse that bad luck she has to turn around and walk back a block. She doesn’t like to do this much so she often stay home and pay people to go and pick up her groceries and other needed items.
• A thirty five year old woman has recently got a divorce from her husband who she has been previously married to for eleven years and has two children with. Her husband have left her for her best friend and she is going back to college to continue her education so she can earn some more money to better support her children. She has a hard time struggling with school work and has grown separate from her friends and colleagues. A lot of the time she doesn’t feel like doing much and tends to cry a lot at nigh time. She also has a more pessimistic view in life and doesn’t believe in true love anymore.
• A thirty year old man named Don has to have things arrange in his house a certain way. Even though he is wealthy enough to afford a maid he constantly has to rearrange things in his house after she leaves. He sweeps the floor and wipes off tables even though she has done that before.

Most people would say that the behavior of all of these individuals are abnormal, but are all of them bizarre? That’s a common myth about behavior, because people will automatically assume that abnormal behavior is bizarre and it’s not necessary true. Take the women in the second case study described even though her behavior is abnormal it is not necessary bizarre. A lot of times people with abnormal behavior cannot easily be distinguished from people with normal behavior. Also, just because a person currently has a mental disorder doesn’t mean that they will always have it. The term abnormal behavior varies from different academic mediums. However, the federal courts define insanity which is more of a legal term rather than a psychological on as the inability to differentiae right from wrong. This is a very common term that comes up in terms. One infamous example is in 1996 when multimillionaire John Dupont shot and killed Olympic Gold medalist wrestler David Schultz. He also had been charged with a couple of assaults earlier. Dupont lawyers used the “insanity” definition as a lame excuse to get him off the hook and it worked because in the end because the jury declared that he had a psychological disorder and he was found guilty of third degree murder. There are three criteria’s for crossing the line between abnormal behavior and normal behavior. Abnormal behavior is usually deviant which means it abstracts from the norms of society. However, remarkable people like Martin Luther King and Bill Gates are not the average person but they are far from being abnormal. When a behavior deviate from what is expected by society than it could be called abnormal. The second criteria are that it is usually maladaptive which means that it interferes with a person’s ability to function properly in the real world. Last, abnormal behavior includes personal distress. This means that the person is deeply bothered by this and it causes them unnecessary pain and suffering. The causes for abnormal behavior can vary tremendously. We can look at several factors such as biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors to help determine this. Psychologists who favor the biological approach tend to emphasize the brain and genetic traits as the primarily cause of abnormal behavior. When using this approach the primarily form of treatment is drugs or drug therapy. The biological approach is used often in the medical model, which describes psychological disorders as diseases related to biological origins. From the medical view abnormalities are seen a mental illness. The people that are infected with the mental illness are known as patients and they have to be treated by doctors. The biological view can also be broken done into three more categories. These are known as structural views, biochemical views and genetic views. The structural view thinks that abnormalities in the brain structure are the main lead to mental disorders. The biochemical view looks at the imbalances in the brain’s chemical structure such as neurotransmitters and hormones as the cause to mental disorders. In the genetic view they look at distorted genes as the main contributor to mental disorders. While the biological approach focuses on inherited traits to be the main contributor to mental disorders, the psychological approach looks at the environment and the unconscious mind as the main contributor to abnormalities. This has three parts to it which includes the psychodynamic perspective, behavioral and social cognitive prospective, and the humanistic perspective. The psychodynamic perspective thinks that psychological disorders come from unconscious conflicts that can cause anxiety and a maladaptive behavior. The main contributor to deviant behavior in this approach is from early bad relationships. If an individual develops bad relationships with either offspring early on in their life than the individual will develop abnormalities. Sigmund Freud was the developer of the psychoanalytic approach in which it places more emphasis on what you can’t physically see. In the behavioral and social cognitive prospective they place an emphasis on the environment in shaping abnormal behavior. They believe that people learn behavior by observing those around them, through self control, through their beliefs in themselves, and through a variety of other cognitive factors which are the key to psychological disorders in this approach. In the humanistic perspective they place an emphasis on an individual’s freedom to do what they want and chose their own destiny and personal characteristics. They believe that psychological disorders come up when an individual fails to meet their own potential. All of the psychological perspective focuses on the individual. The next approach is the sociocultural approach. This concept places a larger emphasis on the area in which an individual lives such as their family, neighborhood, economic status, and culture. For one example, they believe that a conflict between one’s cultures will be a contributor to a mental disorder in an individual. It’s not necessary the individual that has a mental disorder but rather to an unbalanced social life. There are also some gender effects in determining mental disorders. Women are more likely to have internal mental disorders, which are disorders that affect them inside. They are more likely to be effected with anxiety attacks, and moods of depression. On the other hand, men are more likely to be effected with external disorders or disorders that are seen outward. Some examples of these disorders are substance abuse and moods of aggression. Many psychologists now believe that psychological disorders are universal which means that they are the same for people everywhere around the world regardless of geographic location or their social status. However, depending on the factors I just mentioned they do vary. There are also some disorders that strictly effect people of one culture, and here are three big ones that I’m currently aware of: Amok, Windigo, and Anorexia Nervosa. The Amok effect people of Malaysia and the Philippines and in this disorder and individual suddenly has a fierce burst of rage and anger and kill and injure as many people as possible before they are killed. This disorder is commonly found in males and the cause of this can be numerous of factors such as jealously, or losing a lot of money through gambling. Windigo is a disorder commonly found in Algonquin Indian hunters and is very similar to a horror story in which an individual is hunted and chased by a fictionist character and become bewitched such as by a bit of a vampire or werewolf. The hunter becomes worried that they will turn into a flesh eating cannibal and harm other around them. The last disorder, I think that many Americans is aware of the last disorder and that is called anorexia nervosa and effects people of mainly Western cultures with a special emphasis on the people in the United States. This is an eating disorder in which an individual tries to maintain an unhealthy low weight through starvation which can ultimately lead to death.

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