Get Anger Under Control

One of the biggest marriage problems most relationships face is not being able to control our anger. During the first year of our marriage, I had a very big problem with controlling my anger. Now, for the glory of God, I can honestly say that I have my anger under control, it is no longer a problem in our marriage. I still get angry, but it's not an explosive anger that hurts my wife or the people around me. This is how I changed, hopefully this will help you and your relationship out.

First of all, what is anger. Anger is a natural emotion given to us by God. We must understand that there is nothing wrong with getting angry, what's important is that you don't let your anger control you in such a way that you end up hurting someone physically or emotionally.The Bible says two things about anger, first it says, "Be slow to get angry". It doesn't say, never get angry. Second it says, "When angry, do not sin". Again, it doesn't say never get angry, but you must watch that your anger doesn't lead you to sin or hurt someone.Anger was meant to help us deal with and stop the evil in the world. But instead people use it to commit evils in the world.

For example, you're walking down the street and you see a man beating a baby merciless. What will you feel. Will you think, ohhhh pure baby. No you wouldn't, if you're a normal human being, you will feel anger, and hopefully that anger will lead you to help that baby. Another example, you see your child doing something bad. I mean really bad. Would you think, I shouldn't get angry, I shouldn't get angry. Or would you do what any good parent would do and discipline your child. By discipline, I don't mean beat him senseless. What I mean is, you should punish him in a way that he will know that what he did was wrong and that he shouldn't do it again. This is love, letting your child do whatever he wants, it's not love. So the anger of a parent to discipline her child, is not sin. It's anger with love, used to correct and guide in order to raise a good human being. This is good anger.

Jesus shows us an example of this anger when He went into the temple and saw all the merchants using it as a market. This was the temple of God, they were suppose to be praying to God, seeking God and helping lead others to God. Instead they were using it as a den of thieves, meaning that even there business was not done in a honest way. When Jesus, saw them doing this in the temple, He didn't say, I shouldn't get angry, but instead He did get angry and corrected their actions. Jesus did not sin, the people he corrected were the sinners. This is the true purpose of anger, to correct an evil being done. Whenever you see something bad being done, you feel anger. The problem is that we use our anger in the wrong way. We use it to scare and control people. We think that if we keep them afraid of us, they will respect us and not harm us. We want people to think the way we think, if they don't we think by screaming at them we will put them in their place.

We use it when we think people are taking advantage of us, so we think, if I don't get angry, if I don't scream or yell, I won't be heard. We think if I don't scream, this person will think I'm a wimp. So we have to learn to use our anger in the right way. The steps that I took to control my anger were:

Forgive - by this I mean forgive everyone and everything. I forgave everyone in my life and I still forgive on a continuous basis. It doesn't matter what it is, I forgive. If someone at work, gave me an evil look, I forgive them. If someone didn't greet me today, I forgive them. If someone said something against me, I forgive them. What's the big deal. When I forgive, I'm at peace. If they have something against me, that's for them to deal with.I also forgave everyone in my past starting with my parents. Even if they didn't do anything wrong to you, forgive them for not being perfect. I forgave all my past girlfriends, some of them hurt me in the past, so I often took my anger out on my wife as if she was just like all of them. Which is not true. Forgiving them, helped me see that not all woman are the same.

Pray - meditate on God's Word. The Bible says, let no corrupt word come out of your mouth but that which is necessary to lift up and edify. Meditate on that, use your words to edify and encourage, not to belittle and destroy. It also says, A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger. Think about it, you get angry, you scream, the other person gets angry and screams back, so you feel you have to be stronger by screaming louder, using harsher words or even worse using physical violence. But in the end nothing was gained and you feel terrible.Pray - it not only helps get in touch with God, but it also brings inner peace.

When you feel your anger triggered, leave and separate yourself from the person who you feel is triggering your anger. Take a long shower, if your at home. Go to a different room and take a breather. Even better would be to go for a long walk or a jog.

When you feel calmed, learn to express yourself. Remember, it is also not healthy to hold in your anger. This is one of the things that cause people to explode. They think I won't get angry, I'll hold it in, but then one day, boom! It all comes out in an explosive way. Holding it in, is not the solution. Express your emotions, but when you're calm. You can always use the expressions, "I felt anger, when you did this." or "When this happened I felt anger." Hopefully, this will make the other person not feel attacked, and lash out at you, which in return, will make you angry, and the cycle continues. Break the cycle, by expressing yourself when you feel calm.

Don't take yourself to seriously, and don't take situations too seriously. Think of a child, he wants a piece of candy, but you don't want to give it to him. So he goes crazy and throws a tantrum, all over an insignificant piece of candy. To you the piece of candy is insignificant, you know that he will not die if he doesn't get it, but to him, it's a very important matter to get what he wants, when he wants it. Sometimes are situations are the same, to us it's the biggest deal in the world. But trust me, even if you don't get your way, life will go on. Just make sure that what you do, doesn't cause life to go on in a bad way.In the Bible, God gave Solomon wisdom, and with this wisdom he wrote the book Ecclesiastes. He had everything in the world you could possible ask for, women, wealth, property, power, he had it all. But in his last days, he writes this book and says, all is worthless. At the end the only thing that matters is to fear God and obey his commandments, because he will judge you for all the things that you do whether good or bad. Don't take yourself too seriously, if you don't get your way, what's the big deal. You'll survive and life goes on. Seek peace and follow it.

These are some of things that have helped me control my anger. I'm at peace, my wife is at peace and everyone around me feels at peace. May you also find peace and learn to control your anger. Wish you the best.

Wishing Your Marriage the Best.

http://advice4marriedcouples.com

http://advice4marriedcouples.com

Advice for married couples to help couples achieve a happy and successful relationship.

Emmanuel Roman is one of the writers for advice4marriedcouples.com. He and his wife can honestly say that they are living a happy marriage with a sincere love for each other. But this did not come easy, they had a lot of problems in the beginning of their marriage mostly caused by Emmanuel's jealousy and his explosive anger. After his wife asked for a separation, Emmanuel, with God's help and the help of other counselors managed to put his life in order and fix his relationship. He wants to use his experience and knowledge to help other struggling couples also achieve happiness in their marriage.

Martial Arts Can Help with Anger Management Issues

Training Videos - Martial Arts

Martial Arts can help develop anger management skills that are extremely important to the happiness and success of children and teenagers.

Here are some ideas and a glimpse into how the process works. Hopefully, this information will help you whether you use a Martial Arts School or not to help with your child's anger management issues.

Helping Young Children Deal with Anger

Children's anger presents challenges to teachers committed to constructive, ethical, and effective child guidance. This Digest explores what we know about the components of children's anger, factors contributing to understanding and managing anger, and the ways teachers can guide children's expressions of anger.

Three Components of Anger

Anger is believed to have three components (Lewis & Michalson, 1983):

1. The Emotional State of Anger.

The first component is the emotion itself, defined as an affective or arousal state, or a feeling experienced when a goal is blocked or needs are frustrated. Fabes and Eisenberg (1992) describe several types of stress-producing anger provocations that young children face daily in classroom interactions:

* Conflict over possessions, which involves someone taking children's property or invading their space.
* Physical assault, which involves one child doing something to another child, such as pushing or hitting.
* Verbal conflict, for example, a tease or a taunt.
* Rejection, which involves a child being ignored or not allowed to play with peers.
* Issues of compliance, which often involve asking or insisting that children do something that they do not want to do-for instance, wash their hands.

2. Expression of Anger.

The second component of anger is its expression. Some children vent or express anger through facial expressions, crying, sulking, or talking, but do little to try to solve a problem or confront the provocateur. Others actively resist by physically or verbally defending their positions, self-esteem, or possessions in non aggressive ways. Still other children express anger with aggressive revenge by physically or verbally retaliating against the provocateur. Some children express dislike by telling the offender that he or she cannot play or is not liked. Other children express anger through avoidance or attempts to escape from or evade the provocateur. Yet other children use adult seeking, looking for comfort or solutions from a teacher, or telling the teacher about an incident.

Teachers can use child guidance strategies to help children express angry feelings in socially constructive ways. Children develop ideas about how to express emotions (Michalson & Lewis, 1985; Russel, 1989) primarily through social interaction in their families and later by watching television or movies, playing video games, and reading books (Honig & Wittmer, 1992). Some children have learned a negative, aggressive approach to expressing anger (Cummings, 1987; Hennessy et al., 1994) and, when confronted with everyday anger conflicts, resort to using aggression in the classroom (Huesmann, 1988). A major challenge for early childhood teachers is to encourage children to acknowledge angry feelings and to help them learn to express anger in positive and effective ways.

3. An Understanding of Anger.

The third component of the anger experience is understanding-interpreting and evaluating-the emotion. Because the ability to regulate the expression of anger is linked to an understanding of the emotion (Zeman & Shipman, 1996), and because children's ability to reflect on their anger is somewhat limited, children need guidance from teachers and parents in understanding and managing their feelings of anger.

Understanding and Managing Anger
The development of basic cognitive processes undergirds children's gradual development of the understanding of anger (Lewis & Saarni, 1985).

Memory.

Memory improves substantially during early childhood (Perlmutter, 1986), enabling young children to better remember aspects of anger-arousing interactions. Children who have developed unhelpful ideas of how to express anger (Miller & Sperry, 1987) may retrieve the early unhelpful strategy even after teachers help them gain a more helpful perspective. This finding implies that teachers may have to remind some children, sometimes more than once or twice, about the less aggressive ways of expressing anger.

Language.

Talking about emotions helps young children understand their feelings (Brown & Dunn, 1996). The understanding of emotion in preschool children is predicted by overall language ability (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Teachers can expect individual differences in the ability to identify and label angry feelings because children's families model a variety of approaches in talking about emotions.

Self-Referential and Self-Regulatory Behaviors.

Self-referential behaviors include viewing the self as separate from others and as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulation refers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, and postponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation in young children provides a base for early childhood teachers who can develop strategies to nurture children's emerging ability to regulate the expression of anger.

Guiding Children's Expressions of Anger

Teachers can help children deal with anger by guiding their understanding and management of this emotion. The practices described here can help children understand and manage angry feelings in a direct and non aggressive way.

Create a Safe Emotional Climate.

A healthy early childhood setting permits children to acknowledge all feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, and does not shame anger. Healthy classroom systems have clear, firm, and flexible boundaries.

Model Responsible Anger Management.

Children have an impaired ability to understand emotion when adults show a lot of anger (Denham, Zoller, & Couchoud, 1994). Adults who are most effective in helping children manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings and by expressing anger in direct and non aggressive ways.

Help Children Develop Self-Regulatory Skills.

Teachers of infants and toddlers do a lot of self-regulation "work," realizing that the children in their care have a very limited ability to regulate their own emotions. As children get older, adults can gradually transfer control of the self to children, so that they can develop self-regulatory skills.

Encourage Children to Label Feelings of Anger.

Teachers and parents can help young children produce a label for their anger by teaching them that they are having a feeling and that they can use a word to describe their angry feeling. A permanent record (a book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for anger (e.g., mad, irritated, annoyed), and the class can refer to it when discussing angry feelings.

Encourage Children to Talk About Anger-Arousing Interactions.

Preschool children better understand anger and other emotions when adults explain emotions (Denham, Zoller, &Couchoud, 1994). When children are embroiled in an anger-arousing interaction, teachers can help by listening without judging,evaluating, or ordering them to feel differently.

Use Books and Stories about Anger to Help Children Understand and Manage Anger.

Well-presented stories about anger and other emotions validate children's feelings and give information about anger (Jalongo, 1986; Marion, 1995). It is important to preview all books about anger because some stories teach irresponsible anger management.

Communicate with Parents.

Some of the same strategies employed to talk with parents about other areas of the curriculum can be used to enlist their assistance in helping children learn to express emotions. For example, articles about learning to use words to label anger can be included in a newsletter to parents.

Children guided toward responsible anger management are more likely to understand and manage angry feelings directly and non aggressively and to avoid the stress often accompanying poor anger management (Eisenberg et al., 1991). Teachers can take some of the bumps out of understanding and managing anger by adopting positive guidance strategies.

Jeff Dousharm is the owner of numerous Tiger Rock Academy Martial Arts locations in the Midwest and is on the national board of directors for the organization. Jeff is one of the leaders in the Health and Fitness Industry, utilizing different forms of martial arts (Jiu Jitsu and Taekwondo among others) and yoga. He is also an expert in Taekwondo. Mr. Dousharm's centers also help children and teenagers with a myriad of self-esteem issues to become more confident and, more productive. To learn more about Jeff Dousharm, go to Tiger Rock Academy

The Evil Realm of an Angry Mind

We all have rules we must follow in life. If we are not following those rules then consequences result. We are taught as children to not steal, lie, cheat, or hurt another person, yet some of us believe the rules are only set for certain individuals. At one time in our life we may had taking another direction, or else our emotions are the source that we use often to control our lives. Some of us even hurt others, including intimidating, humiliating, or assaulting the person physically believing we have the right to do so. When we hurt others, it satisfies our covetous side and the person often disregards the person harmed. The type of person described will offer charm others leading them to believe that they are a role model in society. Yet, the anger burning within the person will lead him or her to crimes, including robbery, theft, burglary, assaults, and so on. This type of angry person will harm others and never believe that consequences should be issued to him or her. For example, they may steal something from another person and reason that the person did not deserve it, while the perpetrator did. The person may batter his or her spouse and blame it on the victim, rather than taking responsibility for his or her action and behaviors. The anger then is a root of hatred of people rather than a hatred of what people do. This type will often become aggressive whether there is cause or not. Most times the person will act on his or her impulses, which includes risky behaviors. The person will often neglect responsibility and will assault, humiliate, intimidate, and control others around them. Now the anger is different in this case, since a personality disorders is obvious. There are many techniques available to help those with anger problems, but this type often refuses help and when help is available will often use it to their advantage. Most times these types will meet the criminal justice system, by paying fines, spending time in jail, and so on. This often continues throughout the person’s life, since no help has been proven workable for the personality types. Therefore, we are dealing with anger that is buried deeper than any technique can handle. A walk around the block, a ride on a bicycle, writing, dance, art, or none of the prescribed techniques or going to master the anger in the realm of these angry minds. The only possible solution is waiting until this type kills or commits a felony that will get them life in prison. Once in prison they will function best, since more control is on them. Until scientist come up with a technique that involves controlling and the law permits this, then these angry minds will exist and harm others repeatedly. The angry minds will enjoy harming others, including animals. They have no sympathy or regard for anyone, including a newborn child. They often enjoy dominating everyone around them, and will promise to change their behaviors obsessive when someone starts to care. This is a trap! If a person is telling you this, he or she is lowing you into a web of the mind of anger that will burn out of control until someone controls the mind permanently. The personality type will often avoid working, but when they do land a job, they often search for careers that put them in total control. Since prejudice plays a role in their lives, they often belittle the different gender, or race. Everyone is responsible for his or her behavior and actions, and they are excused from all behaviors including sexual, rape, murder, theft and so forth. We all can find an answer for controlling our emotions and anger; but in this case, no one has a known answer to date. Some examples of angry minds can be seen in the case studies of Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, John Wayne Gacy, Henry Howard and other named Serial Killers. If you walk in the realm of an angry mind, walk with extreme caution. In conclusion, anger management is no master to the angry minds. 

 

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Controlling your Anger

Controlling your anger is not always easy. It is important when a person has anger problems to try to talk to the person. Avoid loosing your temper yourself since this will only cause another problem. When a person has anger issues then that person puts others in danger and if we loose our control then we have a seriously chaotic situation that could lead to violence. If you have a child that has anger issues, it makes since to keep the chain of communication open. Sit your child down and talk with him or her attempting to find out what is making the child frustrated. Do not wait until the child is out of control and then try to talk. This only fuses the person often. Wait until the child cools down and then ask him or her what they feel caused the interruption. You might want to search your own area of contact with the child to see if anything you said or did made the child angry. This will help you to avoid this the next time you and your child are together. My child had anger problems and he was told to take a walk or a cool down period before addressing the issues. Of course, my child had mental illnesses underlying the anger and this contributed to the problems we endured. Self-talk and talking is always helpful when we are dealing with anger. Try to find the source of the anger by talking through the problem. Some recommend the angered person counts to 10 or 15, however if there is an underlying cause then this does not always work. The best solution is finding what works for you. It is also recommended that the child play a game, such as PlayStation, Nintendo or other game console and play until your anger ceases. Again, this works for some of us, but not all of us. A great technique I found valuable was drawing the source of your anger if possible. Writing, self-talk, talk, art, and music has proven in my experience to be more effective verses the other types of techniques offered. Exercise is also great. Running around the block, riding a bike, or going for a walk has proven helpful for eliminating anger for some individuals. Dance is great for relieving anger. Dance is a natural source of getting in touch with your feeling. If you ever wondered what the term she’s got soul means, well when you dance, feel the music and adhere to the steps of the beat then you got soul. There is nothing like the boogie fever since it relieves stress, tension, anxiety and makes your body and mind feel good since you did something constructive. If you must vent your frustration on something, get a punching bad, or else beat the heck out of your pillow. Some great advice came from health fitness experts when they advice me to enlist my child in Kick Boxing, Boxing, or Wrestling. This is said to teach the person control. Karate is another recommended source for helping a person deal with anger. The problem is when we are dealing with anger; we must get the other person to cooperate. Since most persons angered will find an excuse why the techniques provided to them does not work, it is important to get them to understand their anger, the problems and how the techniques can benefit them if they apply them selves. Crying is good for relieving stress and anger also; however, this is not always suitable for everyone. My children were raised understanding that it is ok to cry regardless of gender. Therefore, we need to teach our children regardless of gender that it is ok to express your emotions and feelings. That is not a disgrace; rather it is a developing of character strategy that works best for us all. Emotions when suppressed will create more problems for the people in society; therefore, it is important to address your feelings and emotions when they arise. Dealing with the problems when they arise is the best solution for dealing with emotions. Controlling your anger is not always easy, but it is possible.

Anger Increase with Substance Abuse

When substance abuse is in existing then we are dealing with a mind that is shackled with anger. A person with an alcohol or drug problem often feels that the world has let them down. A person with alcohol or drug abuse often has difficult dealing with their emotions, anger and stress. When the person feels stress, they will often head to the liquor store or the nearby drug dealer for a fix. This is a temporary answer to the problem that adds more problems to the existing issues. Therefore, finding a more productive method for dealing with stress, emotions and anger is advisable. If you resort to alcohol or drugs for relief, you might want to realize that the world has more to offer you. Mental health services can go a long way since your problem is not directly the alcohol or drugs but an underlying source exists that links to the real problem. You probably lived a life and lacked development in your growth. You may even lack educational knowledge that helps you to see things in full light. You might even have a mental illness that is hindering your from living a productive lifestyle. We see then that alcohol and drugs is just another problem you added to problems already in existence. If you use your resources, you might see that doctors have medications that can help you to cope with stress or mental illnesses. You might even see that there are resources available, such as anger management, help groups, and so forth that can help you find a much more effective way to deal with your anger and stress. If you feel like the world is resting on your shoulders, then you might want to review your problems carefully. In many instances, a person has added problems to their life and is the root of their own behavioral issues. You will probably see that alcohol and drugs is playing a large part in how you behave in society. Alcohol usually makes us express our emotions freely without preservation. This opens us up to evil, since our perceptions, sound, and words are affected. This means you may misinterpret someone talking to you, flare up with anger, and possibly engage in a fight. Never take life for granted. If you believe that alcohol and drugs is the answer to your problems then you are on the road to destruction. Life is filled with problems and we all have to face them every single day. It is how you deal with the problems that enhance your success and coping abilities. If you have difficulty managing stress then you might want to review the triggers that ignite your emotions. For example, if you are visiting associations that adhere to negative living then you can see that new friends are needed. In fact, you will see that the association is not friends anyway. A good friend will not allow you to drive and drink, or take you to a bar if you already had too much to drink. A good friend will tell you to your face when you are doing something wrong and try to help you find a way to stop. Alcohol and drugs only increase your chances of exploding when your emotions are threatened. You might have probable cause to strike out, but in most cases, you do not have cause at all. I hope that this helps you to see that alcohol and drugs only increase anger’s chances of opening up and extending your problems. If you are an abuser then your path is marked, since if you are caught drinking and driving you will have more problems that what you already had. If you are taking drugs then you know that someday the police will knock on your door and ask you to step outside. Once those handcuffs go on, alcohol, drugs will be removed from the picture, and more problems will lead you to overwhelming stress, meaning you are adding something to what you could not face in the first place. There are people that care whether you can see it or not. You are not alone!