Controlling your anger is not always easy. It is important when a person has anger problems to try to talk to the person. Avoid loosing your temper yourself since this will only cause another problem. When a person has anger issues then that person puts others in danger and if we loose our control then we have a seriously chaotic situation that could lead to violence. If you have a child that has anger issues, it makes since to keep the chain of communication open. Sit your child down and talk with him or her attempting to find out what is making the child frustrated. Do not wait until the child is out of control and then try to talk. This only fuses the person often. Wait until the child cools down and then ask him or her what they feel caused the interruption. You might want to search your own area of contact with the child to see if anything you said or did made the child angry. This will help you to avoid this the next time you and your child are together. My child had anger problems and he was told to take a walk or a cool down period before addressing the issues. Of course, my child had mental illnesses underlying the anger and this contributed to the problems we endured. Self-talk and talking is always helpful when we are dealing with anger. Try to find the source of the anger by talking through the problem. Some recommend the angered person counts to 10 or 15, however if there is an underlying cause then this does not always work. The best solution is finding what works for you. It is also recommended that the child play a game, such as PlayStation, Nintendo or other game console and play until your anger ceases. Again, this works for some of us, but not all of us. A great technique I found valuable was drawing the source of your anger if possible. Writing, self-talk, talk, art, and music has proven in my experience to be more effective verses the other types of techniques offered. Exercise is also great. Running around the block, riding a bike, or going for a walk has proven helpful for eliminating anger for some individuals. Dance is great for relieving anger. Dance is a natural source of getting in touch with your feeling. If you ever wondered what the term she’s got soul means, well when you dance, feel the music and adhere to the steps of the beat then you got soul. There is nothing like the boogie fever since it relieves stress, tension, anxiety and makes your body and mind feel good since you did something constructive. If you must vent your frustration on something, get a punching bad, or else beat the heck out of your pillow. Some great advice came from health fitness experts when they advice me to enlist my child in Kick Boxing, Boxing, or Wrestling. This is said to teach the person control. Karate is another recommended source for helping a person deal with anger. The problem is when we are dealing with anger; we must get the other person to cooperate. Since most persons angered will find an excuse why the techniques provided to them does not work, it is important to get them to understand their anger, the problems and how the techniques can benefit them if they apply them selves. Crying is good for relieving stress and anger also; however, this is not always suitable for everyone. My children were raised understanding that it is ok to cry regardless of gender. Therefore, we need to teach our children regardless of gender that it is ok to express your emotions and feelings. That is not a disgrace; rather it is a developing of character strategy that works best for us all. Emotions when suppressed will create more problems for the people in society; therefore, it is important to address your feelings and emotions when they arise. Dealing with the problems when they arise is the best solution for dealing with emotions. Controlling your anger is not always easy, but it is possible.
Anger Increase with Substance Abuse
When substance abuse is in existing then we are dealing with a mind that is shackled with anger. A person with an alcohol or drug problem often feels that the world has let them down. A person with alcohol or drug abuse often has difficult dealing with their emotions, anger and stress. When the person feels stress, they will often head to the liquor store or the nearby drug dealer for a fix. This is a temporary answer to the problem that adds more problems to the existing issues. Therefore, finding a more productive method for dealing with stress, emotions and anger is advisable. If you resort to alcohol or drugs for relief, you might want to realize that the world has more to offer you. Mental health services can go a long way since your problem is not directly the alcohol or drugs but an underlying source exists that links to the real problem. You probably lived a life and lacked development in your growth. You may even lack educational knowledge that helps you to see things in full light. You might even have a mental illness that is hindering your from living a productive lifestyle. We see then that alcohol and drugs is just another problem you added to problems already in existence. If you use your resources, you might see that doctors have medications that can help you to cope with stress or mental illnesses. You might even see that there are resources available, such as anger management, help groups, and so forth that can help you find a much more effective way to deal with your anger and stress. If you feel like the world is resting on your shoulders, then you might want to review your problems carefully. In many instances, a person has added problems to their life and is the root of their own behavioral issues. You will probably see that alcohol and drugs is playing a large part in how you behave in society. Alcohol usually makes us express our emotions freely without preservation. This opens us up to evil, since our perceptions, sound, and words are affected. This means you may misinterpret someone talking to you, flare up with anger, and possibly engage in a fight. Never take life for granted. If you believe that alcohol and drugs is the answer to your problems then you are on the road to destruction. Life is filled with problems and we all have to face them every single day. It is how you deal with the problems that enhance your success and coping abilities. If you have difficulty managing stress then you might want to review the triggers that ignite your emotions. For example, if you are visiting associations that adhere to negative living then you can see that new friends are needed. In fact, you will see that the association is not friends anyway. A good friend will not allow you to drive and drink, or take you to a bar if you already had too much to drink. A good friend will tell you to your face when you are doing something wrong and try to help you find a way to stop. Alcohol and drugs only increase your chances of exploding when your emotions are threatened. You might have probable cause to strike out, but in most cases, you do not have cause at all. I hope that this helps you to see that alcohol and drugs only increase anger’s chances of opening up and extending your problems. If you are an abuser then your path is marked, since if you are caught drinking and driving you will have more problems that what you already had. If you are taking drugs then you know that someday the police will knock on your door and ask you to step outside. Once those handcuffs go on, alcohol, drugs will be removed from the picture, and more problems will lead you to overwhelming stress, meaning you are adding something to what you could not face in the first place. There are people that care whether you can see it or not. You are not alone!
Five Steps to Calm Anger With Empathy
When you are upset, you likely yearn for someone who will listen without judging or trying to fix you, and perhaps responses that gently nudge you in the direction of restoring your sense of belief and hope in yourself or others, perhaps life. Everyone needs this from time to time. It’s like the refresh button on the computer.
What word describes this feeling? Empathy.
Empathy is what helps you connect to your compassion in ways that can turn problems into joy-filled great relationships.
According to Dr. Al Kasziniak, empathy is:
- Feeling what another person is feeling.
- Knowing what another person is feeling.
- Responding compassionately when another is in distress.
The special neurons that make this possible are known as “mirror neurons” are linked with the experience of empathy, compassion and learning.
Not surprisingly, the ability to remain empathically connected, especially in challenging moments when you are triggered, is a key attribute of partners in strong, healthy marriages.
In contrast, the absence of an empathic connection is what underlies arguments and distressed relationships. Without empathy, fears and anxieties about human drives for love and recognition in your relationships, etc., activate defensive reactions. It disturbs your sense of safety and trust when the empathic connection in your relationships is thrown off balance.
And, when it comes to anger, guess what? Conflict is healthy for the brain. Whereas overwhelming emotional stress has a reverse effect on the development of brain cells, it appears that low levels of stress — and yes, even conflict — stimulate new cell growth. In one study of young children during periods of conflict, noted neuroscientist Allen N. Schore found more development occurred at this time.
Here are five steps to calm anger with empathy. Whether you’re angry or just annoyed, these steps help you to remain calm, present, connected with what is going on inside of you (i.e., thoughts, feelings), so that you can listen empathically to what underlies your own or another’s anger or pain.
PROBLEM: Your partner gets upset and yells, “You’re never serious” and “You’re always fooling around!” How would you stay empathically connected to self and him/her so that you remain calm, confident present?1. Stop. Breathe. Set an Intention. The first step, to pause and take several deep breaths, helps to center your attention in the present moment. It also gives you an opportunity to use the power of your imagination to set an intention for what you optimally want in the situation, at minimum, be sure to set an intention to empathically listen, understand and connect from start to finish. Imagine that you feel great about the rapport you maintained at the end of the communication.
2. Notice your self-talk. Observe what you are telling yourself inside your head. Look for judging or blaming thoughts, such as “What a jerk he/she… is” and, setting these aside, refocus on your set intention to empathically listen, connect, remain a calm presence. Remind yourself that what your partner said has more to do with what is going on inside of them than you (so choose to never take anything personally)!
3. Connect with your feelings and needs. Connect with your feelings and needs to validate your experience. What are you feeling? Where do you feel these feelings in your body? What do you need in this situation? Remind yourself that if your inner talk blames, judges, negatively labels the other, i.e., “What a jerk,” this risks that you will get triggered.
Use the following format to connect to what is going on inside you:
When I __ (observation), I (feeling) __ because (need) __.For example:
“When my partner said ‘You’re always fooling around,” I felt hurt because I was just being funny to help him/her lighten up and I want him/her to see and recognize my good intentions.”4. Connect with the other’s feelings and needs. Now connect with what is going on inside the other by guessing what they may be feeling or needing emotionally in the situation to feel safe. One possibility may be that he/she felt frustrated because in that moment he/she wanted to be taken seriously, and thus interpreted your humor as not caring about his/her feelings. (You won’t know for sure until you check by verbalizing your guess.)
Use the following format to guess inside what your brother may be feeling.
I wonder if he/she feels _____ because (need) _____?For example:
“I wonder if he/she feels upset because he/she wanted me to recognize how important this issue was to him/her.”5. Verbalize your guess. Check your understanding of other’s feelings and emotional needs with a question.
“Are you feeling upset because you wanted understanding of how important this issue is to you, and really wish I would stop joking?”It’s a simple choice between looking at and shifting your thoughts and emotions inside to calm your body and mind, or allowing defensive programs take control. Is it easy? No, yet when you realize the power of empathy, you realize how infinitely capable you are to create positive shifts in your relationships.
It can feel great, in a comfortable, confident and calming way.
RESOURCES:
Iacoboni, M. (2007) “Neuroscience Will Change Society,” EDGE, The World Question Center. Retrieved January 20, 2011, from the World Wide Web: http://www.edge.org/q2007/q07_8.html.
Schore A. N. (2003). Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self. NY: W. W. Norton.
Self-Esteem and Anger
How does self-esteem play a part in emotions and anger? When a person has a low self-esteem, they are subject to anger, since their emotions are off balanced. When a person feels good about them selves, they often have self-control, which makes their life easier.
They are capable of socializing without running into problems along the way. Everyone has problems, but when we have self-control, our self-esteem is often showing to others. Therefore, others see a confident person they are willing to affiliate with and may even wonder what the person does to have such a wonderful attitude.
On the other hand, when a person has self-esteem issues they are often looked down upon since their behaviors are evident of their problem.
Why do we have self-esteem? What is the purpose of this normal product in a being? Self-esteem is a respect for oneself, and confidence within. When we feel in control of our person, we often know how to avoid problems sufficiently.
Usually when a person has low self-esteem they often associate with others that have aggressive mental issues, low self-images, and more problems than average to deal with. When a person feels bad about their self-worth, they will often join in risky activities or intake harmful substances that only increase the anger inside.
We are all different in our own way. Some of us are abused, some heavy, some skinny, some beautiful and some are not. We can look at this in many ways to find a resolve inside our selves, rather than dwelling on what we cannot change. Many of the beautiful people prove ugly since their personalities illustrate unruly behaviors or attitudes. Therefore, are you are good person with a low self-esteem?
If you are then you might want to boost that image of yourself since many people like a good person. Did you know that you do not have to be a rocket scientist to have a good outlook in life?
When people see us smiling cheerfully when we are out in public they often stand back and wonder what kind of pills you take. They will not wonder if you are rich, poor, or suffered a dreadful life, rather they will see the person inside.
If you see how self-esteem makes or break a person, you will know that this is an instigator of your anger. We all deal with anger differently. When we deal with anger and good results come in the picture then we know we have control.
On the other hand, if we are internally medicating ourselves, forcing our emotions to believe we are less than others are, then we do not have control, rather we have anger under the surface and at any time, we are ready to explode.
Let’s review your self-esteem. How do you feel inside most days?
Do you think that you are a good person and feel that your life is in control?
Do you spend hours in the closet trying to find an outfit that will enhance your looks?
Do you spend hours in the mirror studying your features wondering what you can change about your appearance?
These are a few of the signs that tell us what type of self-esteem you have of your self. And if you are spending hours finding a way to change your appearance you are only developing anger within, since you are who you are and you are not accepting it.
Most likely, you endured some hardships throughout your history that contributed to your self-image, therefore you need to examine your inner being and inner child to find out what occurred that made you feel the way you do.
If you were abused, remember you were the victim and now you are survivor. That my friend is positive and it should help to see that you are worth as much as any other person in life. You are angry because of how people treated you and probably feel like you let your self down. This is not true! Someone else let you down, which threatened your emotions and this is where anger lies. If you have anger issues, get help, there is nothing wrong with it!
Creating Effective and Efficient Relationships
Relationships of all kinds are often perceived as very delicate things, that require extra effort to maintain. However, a relationship can also be something that can provide security and can also be long lasting despite many trials.
Building an effective and lasting relationships is a necessity for several reasons. For example in a group or organization, the well being of the people depends on how efficient and effective that group or organization works.
The group or organization is also dependent on how the members work well with the management.
An ineffective group or organization can really be very frustrating. An effective group or organization can also ask so much on their members, that sometimes the members would be having no life outside the walls of the area where they work or sacrifice the other aspects of their life just to meet deadlines. For an organization or group with this kind of scenario, relationships can be stressed or suffer from breakdown.
People or other entities who depend on these groups or organization also suffer.
Society is defined as a web of relationships, which requires all parties to work and contribute their share in order to achieve a common goal. Having a relationship that is good, where cooperation and respect are manifested, can make society work better. In this way each member works for the good of the whole and towards achieving a common goal. This can only be attained with effective and efficient relationships.
Understanding the other parties' feeling and position creates an effective and efficient relationship. The easiest method to understand what is important to another party is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. When the other party realizes this, they would feel the importance given to them
Effective and efficient relationships require parties to openly express their feelings and positions on all matters pertinent on the relationship. Assuming that the other party understands our needs and give us when we need it without asking for it is not a good practice.
Respect is the key to relationship. In order to create a more effective relationship, parties should treat each other with respect. We can show respect just by listening to the other party and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to other parties by confirming that they are doing everything they can.
The opposite of respect is quick forming of judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudice.
Respect is the very foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself and respecting others.
Another key area in forming an effective relationship is to tackle differences of the other party directly. Differences between parties or people are quite interesting. For example in a conversation where each party listens to the other party, you may observe that each is having two different perspectives.
Work towards a win-win solution for both parties.
This can be done when at least one party acknowledges that the relationship is important. That party would then exert more time, effort and energy to understand the other party's needs and deal with it to get it out of the way. Should they fail, it is comforting for that party to know that they tried.
Effectively listening and no pre-judging. This is important if parties are to understand each other.
Informal discussions are conducive for parties. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. They also feel more relaxed making them think more clearly.
Developing an atmosphere where the other party can express their feelings when they need to.
When parties fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.
Parties should be aware that certain things exist naturally but should be controlled in any dealings in any relationship. Human nature is one. Some of these things found in a relationship also include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person or party for a strained relationship, excluding the other party's feelings when focusing on a task, no clear and defined objectives, roles and expectations of each party in a relationship is also unclear.
Relationships are important to anyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve the relationship. As they say 'No man is an Island'.
Building an effective and lasting relationships is a necessity for several reasons. For example in a group or organization, the well being of the people depends on how efficient and effective that group or organization works.
The group or organization is also dependent on how the members work well with the management.
An ineffective group or organization can really be very frustrating. An effective group or organization can also ask so much on their members, that sometimes the members would be having no life outside the walls of the area where they work or sacrifice the other aspects of their life just to meet deadlines. For an organization or group with this kind of scenario, relationships can be stressed or suffer from breakdown.
People or other entities who depend on these groups or organization also suffer.
Society is defined as a web of relationships, which requires all parties to work and contribute their share in order to achieve a common goal. Having a relationship that is good, where cooperation and respect are manifested, can make society work better. In this way each member works for the good of the whole and towards achieving a common goal. This can only be attained with effective and efficient relationships.
Understanding the other parties' feeling and position creates an effective and efficient relationship. The easiest method to understand what is important to another party is to ask them what they want and listen to what they have to say. When the other party realizes this, they would feel the importance given to them
Effective and efficient relationships require parties to openly express their feelings and positions on all matters pertinent on the relationship. Assuming that the other party understands our needs and give us when we need it without asking for it is not a good practice.
Respect is the key to relationship. In order to create a more effective relationship, parties should treat each other with respect. We can show respect just by listening to the other party and by trying sincerely to understand how they function. You can also show respect to other parties by confirming that they are doing everything they can.
The opposite of respect is quick forming of judgements based on unfounded facts and prejudice.
Respect is the very foundation for a great relationship. This also means respecting yourself and respecting others.
Another key area in forming an effective relationship is to tackle differences of the other party directly. Differences between parties or people are quite interesting. For example in a conversation where each party listens to the other party, you may observe that each is having two different perspectives.
Work towards a win-win solution for both parties.
This can be done when at least one party acknowledges that the relationship is important. That party would then exert more time, effort and energy to understand the other party's needs and deal with it to get it out of the way. Should they fail, it is comforting for that party to know that they tried.
Effectively listening and no pre-judging. This is important if parties are to understand each other.
Informal discussions are conducive for parties. They bring out issues and concerns comfortably. They also feel more relaxed making them think more clearly.
Developing an atmosphere where the other party can express their feelings when they need to.
When parties fail to express whatever is on their mind or their feelings, it can get in the way of building an effective relationship.
Parties should be aware that certain things exist naturally but should be controlled in any dealings in any relationship. Human nature is one. Some of these things found in a relationship also include a history of stereotyping or mistrust, blaming the other person or party for a strained relationship, excluding the other party's feelings when focusing on a task, no clear and defined objectives, roles and expectations of each party in a relationship is also unclear.
Relationships are important to anyone, addressing issues and problems right away is a must to further improve the relationship. As they say 'No man is an Island'.
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