What Is Anger Trying To Tell You

What Is Anger Trying To Tell You About Your Life?

By Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar

Anger. It’s got a pretty bad reputation. And we’re often told what to do with it: be careful with it. Suppress it. Vent it. Override it. It’s like anger’s some kind of volatile, toxic force to be harnessed or defused.

But maybe there’s another way of looking at it altogether.

Maybe you can actually learn from anger. Listen to it. See what it has to tell you. Get curious about it.

The sticker in the photo (above), in a cleverly vandalised train carriage I travelled in recently, has another suggestion for how to respond to anger:

“If anger is present
rove to another age”

So let’s take another look at anger for a moment.

When was the last time you felt angry? Seething. Really hot and bothered. Maybe you were even having those pretend conversations in your mind with the other person (your “enemy” for that moment), setting them straight with devastating wit or eloquence.

Remember that?

And now, instead of being drawn down into the detail of whatever lit your fury at the time, just try sort of stepping back for a second. See what happens if you ask yourself something like:

• What’s this anger trying to tell me?
• Or what’s missing in this picture for me?
• What would resolve this for me – and why?
• What do I actually need right now?
• What’s this really about for me?

And, as the sticker suggests, maybe another good query to ask is:

How old am I right now? What age do I feel inside?

For maybe your anger isn’t just about this one isolated event. Maybe it relates back to a specific incident, or a whole string of them, that you previously experienced. Or a pattern of some kind that started decades ago. Or maybe it’s simply exposing or tapping-into the vulnerability or hurt or lack of control you may have felt when you were young.

So what age are you in the heat of the moment?

And what psychological or emotional age might put you in the best position to start resolving this problem? Would you be older? Younger? Maybe it’s possible to consciously “rove to another age” and draw on things like your adult negotiating skills, your experience of self-soothing, and your fully-grown sense of agency and personal power. Or maybe you want to invite a younger sense of play.

Of course, it can be a big ask to do any of this stuff in the heat of the moment. So it can also be worth coming back to that moment again later. To do some investigating after the fact. To practice.

So that next time anger’s upon you, you’ll have a better chance of really choosing your response – a response that brings you closer to resolving what hurt you in the first place – rather than just being captive to a knee-jerk reaction that often just keeps the damage going.

And maybe that’s another vital lesson which anger can remind us of – that we have choice. Right there, when all your buttons are being pushed, is exactly the time that something you really value is usually centre stage. So, in a way, anger is like a signpost, pointing directly to the moments, the values, that matter most to you. A signpost reminding you of your choices.

And, if you can learn to really see anger like that, with all its invitations and lessons, it’s actually a pretty amazing thing – at any age.

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Photo and text copyright: Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar

Gabrielle Gawne-Kelnar (Grad Dip Counselling & Psychotherapy) is a writer, blogger and Sydney psychotherapist in private practice at One Life Counselling & Psychotherapy. Gabrielle also facilitates telephone support groups for people who are living with cancer, for their carers, and for people who have been bereaved through a cancer experience. She was the former editor of a journal on counselling and psychotherapy and she provides regular therapeutic updates on facebook and Twitter @OneLifeTherapy.

Anger Management Help For Anybody

Anger management techniques are put in place to encourage people to work on their anger. Anger management programs are generally educative in nature and help the victim to take control of their emotions. The fact of the matter is that when you get angry, you give your emotions charge over you.

You know that you are expressing your anger appropriately when you are able to talk without yelling when you are angry. You should seek for anger management help if you reach for a breakable vase to demolish each time you are angry. Anger needs to be expressed in the right way for it to be viewed positively.

Don't think that it is something of an evil thing to get angry because anger is normal. Anger is considered evil when it gives birth to other worse and negative actions and behaviors. It isn't possible that you won't get angry at all but the best thing will be to learn how to effectively control it so that it doesn't wreak havoc on people around you.

More and more people are opting for yoga as a means to take control of their angry emotions. Breath enhancing exercises contained in yoga makes it possible for you to maintain your calm even under intense pressure. Learning how to breath deeply and calmly can help you lower your pulse rate and remain unruffled no matter what.

Anger is an emotion that has witnessed a lot of changes as man has involved. The cave man relied on anger to carry him through confrontations and territorial encroachment. These days, civilization frowns upon the unnecessary display of anger. So, if you don't want to be seen as a cave man you have to learn how to effectively control and manage your anger.

If you are always angry, you have an anger management problem. I don't care what anyone tells you, but this is the truth. Being angry most of the time is not acceptable behavior. It affects not only you but the people around you. You can help enhance relationships and generate a calm climate by mastering your anger as much as you can and as many times as possible.

Controlling your anger is an act of will just as losing it can also be an act of will. Contrary to popular belief, anger does not take over you unless you let it. Anger management programs basically help you to deal with any matter of uncurbed anger problems.

You can overcome anger by preventing any accumulation of feelings. Your thinking can be impaired when you get angry recklessly. Expressing yourself immediately you feel angry can help you feel lighter and freer.

This wonderful author offers revealing information about Anger Management Help , and even Anger Management Help on the resource site --> http://www.angermanagement101.info/

Anger and How to Use it Effectively

We are all prone to get angry every now and then, right? You have only got to walk to your local shopping mall on a Saturday morning to see parents shouting at their kids (and vice versa!), people yelling into their phones or motorists arguing over a parking space or impatiently tooting their horns. Now anger isn't necessarily a bad thing. Oh no, for there is more than one type of anger.

Anger that comes from witnessing an injustice can be channeled effectively into taking positive action. If someone has ever said something disparaging about you and made you hot under the collar, you will know just what I'm talking about. Anger makes people stand up for what's right. Anger has been responsible for many worthwhile causes including the civil rights movement and securing women the right to vote in 20th century America. So dealing with anger means channeling it correctly, not becoming a placid person with nothing to say.

We have just examined healthy anger so now let's look at unhealthy anger. This type of anger can be brought on by the slightest provocation and is characterized by fury and hatred. Having anger on this level can cause existing relationships to break down and make it impossible to forge new ones. Lots of people whose violent acts have landed them with a jail sentence are there because their destructive emotions are too easily triggered.

Physically, there are many ways this negative kind of anger can show itself. You may feel anxious and stressed-out. Having other people around you may make you feel uncomfortable. People who are frequently angry often vent their rage at others and because of that, often find themselves alone with few friends. After all, it is not very pleasant for anyone, to experience this type of anger.

Perhaps you may identify with facets of this kind of angry behavior. Do you insist that other people do not offend or make fun of you?. Are the kind of person who demands that other people behave according to strict rules? Do you have a personality that dominates and overpowers others? Generally, someone who has anger issues expects everyone to bend to their will, while considering their own behavior to be totally reasonable.

This kind of anger often overwhelms someone to the point that it is all-consuming. It can affect them so badly that they not only physically attack other people, but also they will exhibit the worst sort of manipulative behavior that directly interferes with other peoples lives. Physical signs that you may well have serious anger issues include things like your heart hammering in your chest, veins standing out on your forehead or neck, fist-clenching and tense shoulders and neck.

If you want to conquer this sort of anger, you are going to have to alter your view of the world. In particular, it is your belief system that is responsible for your attitudes and therefore your emotions. Just saying you don't want to be so angry will not do.

So, what kind of thoughts do you have? Do you find yourself constantly thinking that life is unfair and you are going to get what you want, no matter who gets in your way? If so, you probably have anger issues that need addressing.

In order to alter your beliefs and therefore your behavior, you need to first of all accept that the world is a rich, vibrant, complex place where nothing is simply black or white. If you want to be mentally healthy and successful, you need to accept that you cannot dominate and control everything. Accept that situations will not always work out the way you want. Sometimes you do have to go with the flow. Be tolerant of other people. They are entitled to their views and opinions. The most successful and happy people are those who understand this and adapt and change as necessary.

Those who are strong emotionally have well-balanced attitudes. They accept that no matter what they do, life will still put obstacles in their path. They look at life philosophically and do not waste time feeling depressed. They are well-disciplined and you must strive to be like them if you are to change your feelings of anger. Having decided what your new attitudes are, you must constantly work at them until they become second nature.

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COMMITMENT TO CONTROL ANGER IN THE MARRIAGE

Many marriages today are destroyed by anger out of control. Anger is a part of life-including married life. Like it or not, you will become angry. Anger is an emotion given to man by God Himself. Our problem is that we don't handle anger very well. We intend to become angry for the wrong reason or we tend to express angry feelings in a hurtful or damaging way, rather than trying to help others or ourselves.

Who makes you angry? You do! Situations and other people cannot make you angry. No matter what your spouse does, he or she does not make you angry. You create your own anger.

Anger, like other emotions, is created by your own thoughts. If your spouse fails to follow through with a commitment he/she has made to you, you may become angry. Your anger comes from your thoughts about the meaning or significance you have given to his/her failure to follow through.

There are many ways we create our own anger. We may label our partner in some way because of what he/she has or has not done by thinking (or even verbalizing): "You jerk"; "You inconsiderate clown." But in doing so we tear him/her down. His/her good points are discounted. All you see is this one event and any other similar to it and you pass over the things you love about your spouse. Sometimes we become angry when our self-esteem is threatened. Perhaps your spouse insulted or criticized you. You may not feel loved or liked and that feeling makes you angry.

Anger can also be generated by mind reading. In you mind you create your own reasons for why your spouse did what he or she did and you project those reasons onto him/her. "She just wants to argue for the heck of it." "That's his mean nature. He is just like his father."
Mind reading never works. You cannot know for certain the thoughts and motivations of another person. Mind reading only creates additional conflicts. Whenever you say, "You shouldn't (or should) have done that" you create the setting for anger. What you are doing is interpreting a situation a certain way and saying it should have been different. When you are insisting on holding onto the "shoulds," you keep yourself festered and upset. It would have been nice if the other person had performed as you wanted, but he or she didn't. Your anger won't change the past and probably will do little to alter the future. Consider the following:
The house is a mess; especially the kitchen. Peter's wife is gone and he decides he is going to treat his wife by cleaning the living room and kitchen. He vacuums, Sweeps, dusts and washes the dish for two hours. "Wait until she sees this. Will she be surprised! She'll go wild with appreciation." So he hopes.
Sometime later his wife, Jenny, arrives home with bags of groceries and clothes. She staggers into the house and drops the bags in the living room.
"Peter, would you bring in some of the groceries for me, please? There are so many and I'm beat. Wait until you see the great prices I found on cloths at Mark & Spencer. And guess who I saw..."
And so it goes for the next hour. Jenny never mentions one word about the clean rooms. And after her whirlwind entrance the house soon looks like a hurricane had swept through. By now Peter is doing a slow burn. His anger has reached the boiling point. Is it her behavior that creates Peter's anger? Or is it his own thoughts? Let's enter his mind to see what he is thinking.
"She should have noticed all this work I did for her."
"What a lousy way to treat me."
"She shouldn't have messed up these rooms."
"Just wait until she wants me to help her! Fat chance."

Peter's thoughts are making him feel hurt and angry. He could have thought:
"I wish she would notice the work I've done."
"I can get along without her noticing. If not, I'll just ask if she noticed anything. I
Could let her know I have a better understanding of what housework is like."
"Next time I'll find a creative way to let her know her work has been done for her."

This series of thoughts is much more realistic and less emotionally charged. Changing "should" statements to "I wish" or "It would be nice if...." Will help us use our minds to control our emotions so we can maintain the ability to reason.

What can you do with your anger?

1. Identify the cause. Your anger is a symptom. There are other underlying thoughts creating your sense of irritation
2. What are your thoughts? Are you applying labels to your spouse? Are you trying to mind read? Are you operating on the basis of "Shoulds" or "Should nots" Is thereby something that you are afraid of? Identify your fear.
3. What are you frustrated over? This is one major causes of anger.
4. Evaluate the reason for your anger. Is your anger directed toward your partner because he did something intentionally and knowingly to hurt or offend you? How do you know it was intentional?

One way to consult with yourself is to make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of feeling and acting in an angry manner. Consider the short-term and long-term consequences of the anger. Look over the list and decide what is the best direction to move with.

My friend, give that marriage a chance to grow.

A Husband, and a Father who is alarmed at the high rate of report of divorce and troubled marriages around the world; Hence profering practical Marriage Tips to couples

Relationship: Control Your Anger

When two people come together then there is it is unavoidable to get into arguments and fights. There is bitterness and anger. Anger is a natural feeling. At one time or the other all of us get angry. It is very normal and natural to get angry at times. But if getting angry is a routine then it could create problems for you and your partner. So watch out your anger and learn to control your anger as it could spoil your relationship.

When you get angry you speak out words you should not as your mind is out of control. Many times you say things that hurt your partner badly. Words once spoken cannot be taken back and the damage has been done. You can do nothing except for a "sorry". At times saying sorry does not work. Moreover how many times are you going to say you are sorry if you have the habit of getting angry often? The word "sorry" repeated again and again losses it meaning. You partner does not feel like forgiving you as the word seems to be just an excuse.

At times you are so angry that you speak out such word that you should never speak. You say such word without meaning just out of anger but they do the damage that cannot be repaired. At times you speak of divorce and separation that you should never do and you actually don't mean them. You hardly realize how you have hurt your partner and damaged your relationship. In the fit of anger you are unaware of such damage. No matter how angry you are, make sure you do not speak such words. Just control your anger.

You should know how to deal with anger. If you get angry easily then you have to learn to cope with your anger. Whenever you are into an argument and know that it is going to get heated up making you really angry stop the conversation then and there. It is better to stop the conversation rather than go into an unnecessary and heated talk that will result in hurting each other. It is best to say nothing at all than hurt your partner. Always remember in an argument that you love each other and always care for each other and for the sake of it keep shut and argue no further. The reason behind the argument could be anything but you should remember that it could harm you both if you do not control yourself and your anger to cut short the argument.

There are different ways to control anger. It just that you should learn to be more conscious of yourself and what you say. Whenever you get angry watch out for the words you speak. Control yourself and do not utter the words that could hurt your partner. If something has gone wrong there is nothing wrong in getting angry after all it is a way to express your feelings, but what is important is that you should control yourself and not utter such words that hurt your partner and create bitterness between the two of you.

The best way of anger control is speak out what is in your mind, the reason for anger than hurting and being abusive. Your partner will understand you and at the same time will try to get you out of the anger. Even if initially your partner is angry with you after you speak out your mind he or she will understand and help you cope anger.
If you are angry try to distract your mind so that you do not get angry any further. Generally when you are angry and think about it your anger aggravates. So whenever you are angry try to distract your mind. You can call it self help anger. This is a good way to deal with your anger without harming your partner.

Find more information visit: Relationship: Control Your Anger

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