Reconsidering the Anger in Your Relationship By Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP

Many couples are both perplexed and stressed by the anger that erupts between them in the aftermath of trauma. Working with small groups of men and women after they had experienced a trauma, we often heard comments like: “Is anyone else angry?” “We never fought this much before.” “He’s nice to outsiders but angry with me and the kids.”

Some admitted fear of and avoidance of anger- of walking on eggshells. “I don’t want to rock the boat.” “It’s better that I just keep my mouth closed.” Most worried that anger could destroy their relationship.

Can Anger Destroy A Relationship?
The basic answer is NO. Anger is a human feeling and in itself is not damaging. According to attachment theory one characteristic of a secure attachment, be it between a mother and child or a couple, is the “safety to protest” without the repercussion of extreme anger or destruction of the relationship. Essentially if it is not safe for a couple to fight – it is not safe. Compliance, self-silencing, hidden resentments to keep the peace are not solutions. Research that studied the argument styles of 4,000 men and women in Framingham, Mass., revealed that self-silencing for women and battles of control for men created as serious a heart risk factor as smoking or high cholesterol. Being angry is not damaging – it is what you do with it, how you communicate it and what it does to you and your partner that can be destructive.

How Do We Keep Anger From Becoming Destructive?

Reconsider the Meaning of Anger
An invaluable step for any partner is to reconsider the meaning of their own anger and that of their partner – at a calm, non-stressful time. Understanding the causes of anger when you are in a state to think about it actually fosters perspective and alters response in the heated moments.

It is important to recognize, for example, that anger is a common and complex reaction to trauma which can be tripped by many sources and can reflect different things. Anger can be experienced as a physical state - a component of the fight/flight reaction to danger that often persists weeks and months later and can change the threshold to reactivity. After trauma, a line in a food store can be cause for rage with the partner, a misplaced car key the trigger for a morning fight. Certainly most couples have experienced the relationship of anxiety and anger such that in all types of stress situations – be it getting lost on the way to the airport or picking up their teenager suspended for smoking – there is a very good chance that by the time they get there they will be arguing.

Anger often masks other feelings like grief, vulnerability, and depression. The National Institute of Mental Health in 2005 reported that men are more likely to express depression, the most common disorder associated with post-traumatic reactions, as fatigue, irritability and anger. Given that women are more likely to show their feelings of loss and despair with sadness and guilt, it often happens that partners have very little patience for understanding the differences. Sometimes their bursts of angry words reflect their inability- even fear -of speaking directly about the loss.

The losses associated with trauma often create shame, a fear of pity or self-consciousness in the eyes of the person who knows you best – your partner.
Vali Stone, a cop’s wife reminds us in her 2002 book that “Cops Don’t Cry.” When physically or emotionally injured, they often get angry with themselves. “Who am I if I can’t be a Cop?” Attempts by the partner at consoling or supporting can be met with distrust and more anger. Similarly, in the aftermath of surgery or injury that alters a partner’s weight or body, the other’s genuine compliment can give rise to rage “Don’t tell me that I’m still attractive when I’m not!”

Anger as Communication. Despite the common urge to understand or be understood by the partner after trauma, communication of needs is often not easy. Suppressed by some, silenced by others, it often does not happen clearly. Whether conscious or unconscious, anger can become a misguided way of sending a message. For example,

Paul’s late-night complaints to Carol about money or projects around the house were really a way to avoid Carol’s wish to talk about losing the baby or the possibility of sexual connection, which could lead to another pregnancy—neither of which he could handle. Experienced as hostility and rejection by Carol, these complaints often erupted into fighting and ended up with distance between them.
(Excerpt from Healing Together p. 73.)

Reconsider Behaviors and Reactions that Defuse the Fight!
In the aftermath of trauma and in most circumstances, partners rarely plan to victimize their partner or become victims. More often, given the pain they are both feeling, anger is stirred by one or the other and without realizing it they react in ways that fuel the fight. By reconsidering the meaning of anger, you may find it easier to avoid those behaviors that fuel the fight and choose alternate responses that defuse the path to destructive anger. A painful pattern cannot persist if even one partner begins to act in a less reactive, more constructive way. Consider the following behaviors that defuse the fight:

• Observe yourself. Step back and consider if you are overreacting or provoking your partner. Even if you examine your reaction after it happens, your consideration alters the chance of impulsively or unwittingly repeating it.
• Consider the broader context. Reconsider your partner’s offense in the light of what is going on in your lives. This does not mean self-silencing or condoning abusive behavior. It means that when she leaves all the doors open, he forgets to pay bills, she bangs up the car – it is put into some perspective. Blame and shame do very little to improve functioning or feelings.
• Give yourself and your partner permission for time and space. If you are unable to take time to calm down and rethink a situation, you will have more difficulty moving from a “me-versus-you” survival mentality to a place of rational thinking, problem solving and empathy. Cornering your partner – not permitting him or her to walk away, calm down, or save face – fuels irrational and aggressive behavior.
• Account for the circumstances. Bringing up an argument in front of family, friends or children adds shame and guilt that generally escalates tension and fighting.
• Protect each other from verbal assaults. Taunts, insults, accusations and threats set the other up for withdrawal or retaliation. They never invite communication and are often difficult to forget.
• Avoid the “silent treatment.” The silent treatment is both provocative and withholding and adds little understanding to the situation. When held in the face of the other’s attempt to apologize it limits hope and invites despair and often rage.
• Avoid alcohol or drugs. Using substances before or during an angry exchange is like pouring lighter fluid on a small flame- resolution becomes impossible.
• Use “we” as a point of reference. Even if the only thing you can say is that “We are really having a hard time talking”; “We are really coming from different places”; “Maybe we can write down what we each think”; “We need to get through this without hurting each other” you will have changed the configuration from me vs. you to “we” have a challenge together!

“ The survival of romance depends not on skill in avoiding aggression but on the capacity to contain it alongside love.” (Mitchell, 2002, p. 120)

For Further Reading

Mitchell, S. A. 2002. Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time. New York: W.W. Norton.

Stone, V. 2002. Cops Don’t Cry: A book of Help and Hope for Police Families. Ontario, Canada: Creative Bound.

Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP is a licensed psychologist. She is Adjunct Professor of Clinical Psychology in the Doctoral Program of Long Island University and on the faculty of the Post-Doctoral Programs of the Derner Institute of Adelphi University. Suzanne Phillips, PsyD and Dianne Kane are the authors of Healing Together: A Couple's Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress. Learn more about their work at couplesaftertrauma.com.

Your Recommended Daily Allowance for Relaxation

Your Recommended Daily Allowance for Relaxation

Stress is the curse of living in modern times. Everyone suffers from stress. And the stress we suffer takes a heavy toll on our bodies, emotions and minds.

Feeling stressed out, worn out by fatigue or just simply having a miserable day, the best thing to do is relax.

Watching television may be a form of relaxation for some, but is not a recommended method by experts. When we watch TV we are bombarded with commercials, ads, sounds and images. So how do we achieve relaxation? If there are thousands of ways we can get stressed, one of them is not meeting deadlines, there are also many ways we can relax.

In recent studies, experts have determined that heart disease is linked to anger and irritability is linked to mental stress. Too much stress brings about ischemia that can lead to or cause a heart attack. Relaxation takes on added importance in light of this matter. Managing your anger and attitude is significant to heart health, and relaxation can help you manage stress.

One way of relaxation is transcendental meditation. Recent studies have also shown that this method might reduce artery blockage, which is a major cause for heart attack and stroke. People practice transcendental meditation by repeating uttering soothing sounds while meditating, this is to achieve total relaxation. The researchers found that practitioners of transcendental meditation significantly reduced the thickness of their arterial wall compared with those who didn't practice transcendental meditation.

Another study on another method of relaxation, acupuncture, seems to reduce high blood pressure by initiating several body functions for the brain to release chemical compounds known as endorphins. Endorphin helps to relax muscles, ease panic, decrease pain, and reduce anxiety.

Yoga is also another method for relaxation and may also have similar effects like acupuncture. In another study, participants were subjected to several minutes of mental stress. Then they were subjected to various relaxation techniques, such as listening to nature sounds or classical music. Only those who did Yoga significantly reduced the time it took for their blood pressures to go back to normal. Yoga is a form of progressive relaxation.

Breathing is one of the easiest methods to relax. Breathing influences alamost all aspects of us, it affects our mind, our moods and our body. Simply focus on your breathing, after some time you can feel its effects right away.

There are several breathing techniques that can help you reduce stress.

Another easy way to achieve relaxation is exercise. If you feel irritated a simple half-hour of exercise will often settle things down. Although exercise is a great way to lose weight, it does not show you how to manage stress appropriately. Exercise should also be used in conjunction with other exercise method.

One great way of relaxation is getting a massage. To gain full relaxation, you need to totally surrender to the handling and touch of a professional therapist.

There are several types of massages that also give different levels of relaxation.

Another method of relaxation is Biofeedback. The usual biofeedback-training program includes a 10-hour sessions that is often spaced one week apart.

Hypnosis is one controversial relaxation technique. It is a good alternative for people who think that they have no idea what it feels like to be relaxed. It is also a good alternative for people with stress related health problems.SelfHypnosis eCourse

Drugs are extreme alternatives to relaxation. They are sometimes not safe and are not effective like the other relaxation methods. This method is only used by trained medical professionals on their patients.

These relaxation techniques are just some of the ways you can achieve relaxation. Another reason why we need to relax, aside from lowering blood pressure in people and decreasing the chances of a stroke or a heart attack, is because stress produces hormones that suppress the immune system, relaxation gives the immune system time to recover and in doing so function more efficiently.

Relaxation lowers the activities within the brains' limbic system; this is the emotional center of our brain.

Furthermore, the brain has a periodic need for a more pronounced activity on the right-hemisphere. Relaxation is one way of achieving this.

Relaxation can really be of good use once a relaxation technique is regularly built into your lifestyle. Choose a technique that you believe you can do regularly.

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What are some Anger Management Techniques?

Image by ☆Mi☺Λmor☆ via Flickr

Having trouble controlling anger is a major issue in many individuals lives. Addressing this issue can be difficult if the person is unwilling to admit to their problem and seek help. It is imperative that people be supportive and encouraging to those with anger issues. At times it may seem impossible since these people can be hurtful and even violent. Helping them to realize they need help would be the initial step to controlling their anger.

Once an individual is willing to work on their anger problem and turn to anger management, there are anger management techniques which will be taught to help them. There are many techniques which are beneficial regarding anger management. It might be necessary for the individual to try them all in order to find anger management techniques that work best for them.

One technique recommended for anger management is relaxation. Angry feelings and emotions can be calmed by relaxing exercises such as deep breathing, relaxing imagery and slow non strenuous exercise similar to yoga. When a person becomes irritated and headed for a fit of anger, it is suggested they breathe deeply. This technique recommends that the person breathe from their diaphragm in order to relax. Using relaxing imagery may work for some people. Allowing their mind and thoughts to go to a happy place, a relaxing experience may help to calm them down. This imagery may be of a past experience or the individual could use their imagination. The yoga-like exercises used as an anger management technique are meant to relax the muscles which in turn will help the individual feel much calmer.

Problem solving is used as an anger management technique. It is important for an individual to discover the reason for their anger. Anger is a natural response to certain situations and at times it is an acceptable reaction but there are other incidents when the anger is not appropriate. There is a reason for the anger and to every problem there is said to be a solution. When a situation arises, the individual is taught not to focus on the solution but rather the problem. Finding ways to handle the problem and confront it is the main objective in this anger management technique. It may take awhile to conform to this plan. It is important to stick to it, eventually the answers will come.

People with anger issues are taught through anger management techniques to practice better communication skills. Often a fit of anger arises because an individual misunderstood a conversation. Before giving it any thought, they become enraged and filled with anger. Anger management teaches the individual to slow down their thinking, think before they speak or react. The easily angered person needs to listen to the underlying message and try not to jump to conclusions. When feeling on the defensive side, the individual should learn not to fight back. Listening rationally to what the other person has to say might make a huge difference in a reaction.

These are just a few anger management techniques. There are many others which may be helpful to an individual requiring help. There are many books, movies and website on the Internet which can provide information regarding anger management techniques.
Here are just a few:
Anger Management For The Twenty First Century Ebook

Anger Management - Regaining Control Of

Stop The Insanity - Control Your Anger Today

Anger management and your life

Image by Nature Explorer via Flickr

Anger management and your life

When it comes to anger management you want to reconstruct the person in the way, they think. With anger, management they will try to limit the swearing and tone that can be considered threatening. They will try to knock out the drama. When those who issues get angry, they tend to be over dramatic and irrational.

They became very paranoid as well. When it comes to anger management, they going to try to pin point the triggers and then try to make the person think differently. They want the person to think about their actions what society claims to be acceptable. They will make the person examine what behaviors they project that is acceptable and unacceptable. Two words that people who need anger management say a lot is never and always.

Stop The Insanity - Control Your Anger Today.

As you know, you should never use these words with seriousness because it will become threatening and demeaning to another. Instead of saying never they would ask the person to rephrase the statement in positive way so that they aren’t being so negative. Always can be replaced with sometimes and this adds hope and a positive reflection to the same statement.

In addition, in this time of reflection you should ask yourself when did anger get you anywhere? What has it given to you? Why do you need it? What can you replace your anger with to be more positive? There are probably times when you did something out of anger that made you feel worse. This is because anger solves nothing.


Stop The Insanity - Control Your Anger Today.

When you get angry you do not stop and think about your actions and people tend to get hurt emotionally and physically. Logically, people think that anger is justifiable; eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. When you get angry what do you expect? You want to be appreciated; you may want to be heard. When you figure out what exactly it is that you need you are able to control your habits by finding alternatives.

With anger management, you are able to find out what alternatives help you to control your rage and to learn how to positively reflect upon yourself. Everyone has room for improve and reflection is what keeps a person in control and stable. Anger management reconstructs how you see yourself, as well as, others.

You can eliminate the negative things and replace them with a positive statement. Anger management will give you a new path that you may enjoy following, because when you are positive good things happen for you.
If you would like to learn more about overcoming your anger or would like to help someone you know with anger problems.

All Inclusive Book With Audio MP3 Covering Simple Yet Powerfully Effective Methods Of Anger Management And Anger Control. Click Here!

3 Steps to Working With Anger

By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

In his book Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations for Transforming Difficult Emotions, acclaimed author and Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh writes:

Recognize and embrace your anger when it manifests itself. Care for it with tenderness rather than suppressing it.

In an earlier article I wrote about the difference between destructive and constructive anger and how Thich Nhat Hanh writes about taking care of our anger. There are three things you can do to help take care of your anger.

• Acknowledgment - The first point of change happens with awareness. Often times we either are not aware of our anger because we are suppressing and repressing it or not aware of the warning signs before we just explode. Awareness of the warning signs that anger is present is important to begin to get in touch with. The most practical way to do this is by paying attention to our bodies. Think of a scenario that really makes your blood boil and let it stew in your mind for a bit. Then shift your attention to your body and notice what sensations are there. You may notice warmth, tightness in the chest, tension in certain muscles, teeth clenching, and pressure in the eyes. Get to know these physical feelings as they can be a great guide as to when anger is arising.

Along with knowing the warning signs, it’s important to acknowledge in our own minds when anger is here. We can even say; anger is here right now. This nonjudgmental acknowledgment is critical recognizing that there is discontent in us at the moment and it would be wise to do the next step.

• Care of Anger - It is well known that when we are in a state of anger or in a state of repressing our anger, we often times say or do things that we regret later. It’s not that the anger is “bad”, it’s just that often times having a dialogue when really angry isn’t as effective as cooling down and then coming back and expressing what you are feeling. How do we take care of our anger in the moment? With the recognition that the anger is there, you may choose to step away for a bit and notice this discomfort or pain inside. With awareness of it, you may even bring your attention to your breath and say “breathing in, I am aware of this anger, breathing out I calm my body.” You may also choose to take a walk, while attempting to be “tender” and embracing your anger as if it was a little child, a mini-you, who needed love inside. After some time the anger will soften and transform a bit revealing what may be underneath it. This will take some practice.
• Awareness of others - Often times when we get angry there is someone else involved. Our reaction often is one of retaliation to get back at the other person with little awareness that this actually increases our own suffering as the conflict escalates. We don’t want to hold back or pretend we aren’t angry, but we also don’t want to retaliate as this doesn’t help. In this step, it is important to really try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes to see why they possibly reacted the way they did. This can be very difficult or near impossible if it was a serious offense of abuse. So take this step with caution and at your own pace. You may also want to check out and earlier blog on refusing to forgive. Peace in yourself, can lead to peace in the relationship.

By no means is it easy to tame the tiger within, please have compassion for yourself during this process. If you have a longstanding issue of suppressing or all-too-quickly and dramatically expressing your anger, it may be good to seek support from a healthcare professional.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories, and questions. Your interactions here provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist and conducts a private practice in West Los Angeles. Check out Dr. Goldstein's acclaimed CD's on stress prevention, depression, and addiction -- "They are so relevant, I have marked them as one of my favorites on a handout I give to all new clients" ~ Psychiatrist. If you're wanting an interactive program to find relief from anxiety and stress, check out Dr. Goldstein's progressive online behavioral change program in Aliveworld. If you're wanting to integrate more mindfulness into your daily life, sign up for his Mindful Living Twitter Feed. Dr. Goldstein is also available for private psychotherapy.

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The World of Alpha - Get your Free Alpha mp3

For many years the psychology field assumed it was impossible for a person to drop voluntarily down to alpha and retain conscious thinking control.

Alpha is the state where your brain rhythm tends to “centre” around 10 cycles per second (cps).

It was always assumed that once a person entered alpha (like the daydream state), they would be unable to direct their thoughts and probably fall asleep. This was until Jose Silva demonstrated otherwise. He proved conclusively that people could operate consciously in alpha and retain control of their thinking at the same time. These days there are people who can drop down to a lower level of Theta (3-7cps) - and still maintain conscious control! There are even a handful of people who can drop down to mind-awake-body-asleep in delta!

What is happening at this level is that your conscious and your subconscious mind are operating simultaneously, giving you an increase in mental capacity and opening up your 6th sense. Women tend to use both brain hemispheres when solving problems which may give them extra intuitive capacity.

It was also discovered that a person could drop to alpha with their eyes open (you do this when you daydream) which offered another major advantage for the business executive.

But to all intents and purposes the alpha state is considered to be similar to a light self-hypnotic state. At least the outcome with regard to positive and habit-transforming programming is the same.

The biggest overall advantage in business, of getting your right intuitive brain fully operational, is the ability to “intuitively know” what the other person is thinking and what their real objections are. Not their “professed” objections but the real unspoken ones. By using a special alpha technique, you can actually pre-program to find out what it is they really want in advance. This gives the businessman or woman a tremendous advantage when the actual “crunch” time comes!

And it is an observable fact that those who practice alpha/theta techniques tend to progress quickly up through the ranks - all else being equal.


The reason - you have developed mind powers that others simply do not have. And if you use these regularly you have a massive advantage that others are totally unaware of. This is why most mind-course graduates seldom ever mention their training to outsiders. They are usually told during their mind-course, instructional program to keep it to themselves.

And it makes sense ...... because mind-power knowledge is an exclusive club!

The whole field of mind-power in the western world is in its infancy. And because it will make a lot of people nervous there will not be too much media education about it. It will creep up on us in the same manner that computers have.

Ignore this emerging field at your own peril!!!

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Persist Without Exception

Timothy Kendrick

Dreams Are Whispers From The Soul

Do you ever feel that within you is the potential to achieve greatness?

Do you ever feel that within you is the potential to achieve greatness yet you don’t know exactly what it is you want to achieve or how you’re going to get here?

Is there a goal perhaps that you want to achieve such as losing weight or quitting smoking?

Is there a certain part of your being that you desire to change or perhaps improve in an effort to enhance your personal development?

Is there a fear dwelling within you that you want to diminish?

Is there a part of your life that you feel is incomplete in some way?

The fact is, 10 out of 10 people would answer yes to at least one of these questions. The REAL question pertains not to what, but to how can we successfully achieve, attain, overcome or enhance some aspect of our lives. There are thousands of methods than a person can turn to improve themselves but the answer always lies within your mind. At the forefront of every decision, strength, weakness, ability or desire is a thought. Our thoughts dominate our minds and create our reality both directly and indirectly.

Our outer world is truly just a reflection of our inner world. How we view circumstances, situations, outcomes, relationships, etc. determines how we progress in our lives. Therefore, to improve or enhance any part of our outer world, we must first focus our energy on our inner world.

It starts with the mind. Many experts agree that our minds are the maps that determine the direction that we take in life. Therefore, to progress in the "right direction", we must make sure our maps are accurately programmed.

One of the most effective ways to accurately program the human mind is through hypnotherapy. By positively aligning your thoughts with your area of enhancement, hypnotherapy will create a definite focus for your mind. The result is positive progression.

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The past two decades of Steve’s life have been dedicated to attaining a consummate understanding of cognitive psychology, understanding how people learn. Much of his early research was published in psychology journals in late 80's.

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