Five Steps to Calm Anger With Empathy

By Athena Staik, Ph.D.

When you are upset, you likely yearn for someone who will listen without judging or trying to fix you, and perhaps responses that gently nudge you in the direction of restoring your sense of belief and hope in yourself or others, perhaps life.  Everyone needs this from time to time. It’s like the refresh button on the computer.
What word describes this feeling? Empathy.
Empathy is what helps you connect to your compassion in ways that can turn problems into joy-filled great relationships.
According to Dr. Al Kasziniak, empathy is:

• Feeling what another person is feeling.
• Knowing what another person is feeling.
• Responding compassionately when another is in distress.

The amazing work of neuroscientists such as Marco Iacoboni reveals human beings are neurologically “wired for empathy” and — an innate moral nature. The same brain circuits are mobilized whether feeling one’s own pain and others’, and merely observing someone performing a certain action activates the same areas of the brain in the observer.
The special neurons that make this possible are known as “mirror neurons” are linked with the experience of empathy, compassion and learning.
Not surprisingly, the ability to remain empathically connected, especially in challenging moments when you are triggered, is a key attribute of partners in strong, healthy marriages.
In contrast, the absence of an empathic connection is what underlies arguments and distressed relationships. Without empathy, fears and anxieties about human drives for love and recognition in your relationships, etc., activate defensive reactions. It disturbs your sense of safety and trust when the empathic connection in your relationships is thrown off balance.
And, when it comes to anger, guess what? Conflict is healthy for the brain. Whereas overwhelming emotional stress has a reverse effect on the development of brain cells, it appears that low levels of stress — and yes, even conflict — stimulate new cell growth. In one study of young children during periods of conflict, noted neuroscientist Allen N. Schore found more development occurred at this time.
Here are five steps to calm anger with empathy. Whether you’re angry or just annoyed, these steps help you to remain calm, present, connected with what is going on inside of you (i.e., thoughts, feelings), so that you can listen empathically to what underlies your own or another’s anger or pain.

PROBLEM: Your partner gets upset and yells, “You’re never serious” and “You’re always fooling around!” How would you stay empathically connected to self and him/her so that you remain calm, confident present?

1. Stop. Breathe. Set an Intention. The first step, to pause and take several deep breaths, helps to center your attention in the present moment. It also gives you an opportunity to use the power of your imagination to set an intention for what you optimally want in the situation, at minimum, be sure to set an intention to empathically listen, understand and connect from start to finish. Imagine that you feel great about the rapport you maintained at the end of the communication.
2. Notice your self-talk. Observe what you are telling yourself inside your head. Look for judging or blaming thoughts, such as “What a jerk he/she… is” and, setting these aside, refocus on your set intention to empathically listen, connect, remain a calm presence.  Remind yourself that what your partner said has more to do with what is going on inside of them than you (so choose to never take anything personally)!
3. Connect with your feelings and needs. Connect with your feelings and needs to validate your experience. What are you feeling? Where do you feel these feelings in your body? What do you need in this situation? Remind yourself that if your inner talk blames, judges, negatively labels the other, i.e., “What a jerk,” this risks that you will get triggered.
Use the following format to connect to what is going on inside you:

When I __ (observation), I (feeling) __ because (need) __.

For example:

“When my partner said ‘You’re always fooling around,” I felt hurt because I was just being funny to help him/her lighten up and I want him/her to see and recognize my good intentions.”

4. Connect with the other’s feelings and needs. Now connect with what is going on inside the other by guessing what they may be feeling or needing emotionally in the situation to feel safe. One possibility may be that he/she felt frustrated because in that moment he/she wanted to be taken seriously, and thus interpreted your humor as not caring about his/her feelings. (You won’t know for sure until you check by verbalizing your guess.)
Use the following format to guess inside what your brother may be feeling.

I wonder if he/she feels _____ because (need)  _____?

For example:

“I wonder if he/she feels upset because he/she wanted me to recognize how important this issue was to him/her.”

5. Verbalize your guess. Check your understanding of other’s feelings and emotional needs with a question.

“Are you feeling upset because you wanted understanding of how important this issue is to you, and really wish I would stop joking?”

It’s a simple choice between looking at and shifting your thoughts and emotions inside to calm your body and mind, or allowing defensive programs take control. Is it easy? No, yet when you realize the power of empathy, you realize how infinitely capable you are to create positive shifts in your relationships.
It can feel great, in a comfortable, confident and calming way.
RESOURCES:
Iacoboni, M.  (2007)  “Neuroscience Will Change Society,” EDGE, The World Question Center.  Retrieved January 20, 2011, from the World Wide Web: http://www.edge.org/q2007/q07_8.html.
Schore A. N. (2003).  Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self.  NY: W. W. Norton.

Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Love™: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com.

Self-Esteem and Anger

How does self-esteem play a part in emotions and anger? When a person has a low self-esteem, they are subject to anger, since their emotions are off balanced. When a person feels good about them selves, they often have self-control, which makes their life easier.

They are capable of socializing without running into problems along the way. Everyone has problems, but when we have self-control, our self-esteem is often showing to others. Therefore, others see a confident person they are willing to affiliate with and may even wonder what the person does to have such a wonderful attitude.

 On the other hand, when a person has self-esteem issues they are often looked down upon since their behaviors are evident of their problem.

Why do we have self-esteem? What is the purpose of this normal product in a being? Self-esteem is a respect for oneself, and confidence within. When we feel in control of our person, we often know how to avoid problems sufficiently.

 Usually when a person has low self-esteem they often associate with others that have aggressive mental issues, low self-images, and more problems than average to deal with. When a person feels bad about their self-worth, they will often join in risky activities or intake harmful substances that only increase the anger inside.

 We are all different in our own way. Some of us are abused, some heavy, some skinny, some beautiful and some are not. We can look at this in many ways to find a resolve inside our selves, rather than dwelling on what we cannot change. Many of the beautiful people prove ugly since their personalities illustrate unruly behaviors or attitudes. Therefore, are you are good person with a low self-esteem?

 If you are then you might want to boost that image of yourself since many people like a good person. Did you know that you do not have to be a rocket scientist to have a good outlook in life?

When people see us smiling cheerfully when we are out in public they often stand back and wonder what kind of pills you take. They will not wonder if you are rich, poor, or suffered a dreadful life, rather they will see the person inside.

 If you see how self-esteem makes or break a person, you will know that this is an instigator of your anger. We all deal with anger differently. When we deal with anger and good results come in the picture then we know we have control.

 On the other hand, if we are internally medicating ourselves, forcing our emotions to believe we are less than others are, then we do not have control, rather we have anger under the surface and at any time, we are ready to explode.

 Let’s review your self-esteem. How do you feel inside most days?

Do you think that you are a good person and feel that your life is in   control?

Do you spend hours in the closet trying to find an outfit that will enhance your looks?

Do you spend hours in the mirror studying your features wondering what you can change about your appearance?

These are a few of the signs that tell us what type of self-esteem you have of your self. And if you are spending hours finding a way to change your appearance you are only developing anger within, since you are who you are and you are not accepting it.

 Most likely, you endured some hardships throughout your history that contributed to your self-image, therefore you need to examine your inner being and inner child to find out what occurred that made you feel the way you do.

 If you were abused, remember you were the victim and now you are survivor. That my friend is positive and it should help to see that you are worth as much as any other person in life. You are angry because of how people treated you and probably feel like you let your self down. This is not true! Someone else let you down, which threatened your emotions and this is where anger lies. If you have anger issues, get help, there is nothing wrong with it!

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