Many marriages today are destroyed by anger out of control. Anger is a part of life-including married life. Like it or not, you will become angry. Anger is an emotion given to man by God Himself. Our problem is that we don't handle anger very well. We intend to become angry for the wrong reason or we tend to express angry feelings in a hurtful or damaging way, rather than trying to help others or ourselves.
Who makes you angry? You do! Situations and other people cannot make you angry. No matter what your spouse does, he or she does not make you angry. You create your own anger.
Anger, like other emotions, is created by your own thoughts. If your spouse fails to follow through with a commitment he/she has made to you, you may become angry. Your anger comes from your thoughts about the meaning or significance you have given to his/her failure to follow through.
There are many ways we create our own anger. We may label our partner in some way because of what he/she has or has not done by thinking (or even verbalizing): "You jerk"; "You inconsiderate clown." But in doing so we tear him/her down. His/her good points are discounted. All you see is this one event and any other similar to it and you pass over the things you love about your spouse. Sometimes we become angry when our self-esteem is threatened. Perhaps your spouse insulted or criticized you. You may not feel loved or liked and that feeling makes you angry.
Anger can also be generated by mind reading. In you mind you create your own reasons for why your spouse did what he or she did and you project those reasons onto him/her. "She just wants to argue for the heck of it." "That's his mean nature. He is just like his father."
Mind reading never works. You cannot know for certain the thoughts and motivations of another person. Mind reading only creates additional conflicts. Whenever you say, "You shouldn't (or should) have done that" you create the setting for anger. What you are doing is interpreting a situation a certain way and saying it should have been different. When you are insisting on holding onto the "shoulds," you keep yourself festered and upset. It would have been nice if the other person had performed as you wanted, but he or she didn't. Your anger won't change the past and probably will do little to alter the future. Consider the following:
The house is a mess; especially the kitchen. Peter's wife is gone and he decides he is going to treat his wife by cleaning the living room and kitchen. He vacuums, Sweeps, dusts and washes the dish for two hours. "Wait until she sees this. Will she be surprised! She'll go wild with appreciation." So he hopes.
Sometime later his wife, Jenny, arrives home with bags of groceries and clothes. She staggers into the house and drops the bags in the living room.
"Peter, would you bring in some of the groceries for me, please? There are so many and I'm beat. Wait until you see the great prices I found on cloths at Mark & Spencer. And guess who I saw..."
And so it goes for the next hour. Jenny never mentions one word about the clean rooms. And after her whirlwind entrance the house soon looks like a hurricane had swept through. By now Peter is doing a slow burn. His anger has reached the boiling point. Is it her behavior that creates Peter's anger? Or is it his own thoughts? Let's enter his mind to see what he is thinking.
"She should have noticed all this work I did for her."
"What a lousy way to treat me."
"She shouldn't have messed up these rooms."
"Just wait until she wants me to help her! Fat chance."
Peter's thoughts are making him feel hurt and angry. He could have thought:
"I wish she would notice the work I've done."
"I can get along without her noticing. If not, I'll just ask if she noticed anything. I
Could let her know I have a better understanding of what housework is like."
"Next time I'll find a creative way to let her know her work has been done for her."
This series of thoughts is much more realistic and less emotionally charged. Changing "should" statements to "I wish" or "It would be nice if...." Will help us use our minds to control our emotions so we can maintain the ability to reason.
What can you do with your anger?
1. Identify the cause. Your anger is a symptom. There are other underlying thoughts creating your sense of irritation
2. What are your thoughts? Are you applying labels to your spouse? Are you trying to mind read? Are you operating on the basis of "Shoulds" or "Should nots" Is thereby something that you are afraid of? Identify your fear.
3. What are you frustrated over? This is one major causes of anger.
4. Evaluate the reason for your anger. Is your anger directed toward your partner because he did something intentionally and knowingly to hurt or offend you? How do you know it was intentional?
One way to consult with yourself is to make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of feeling and acting in an angry manner. Consider the short-term and long-term consequences of the anger. Look over the list and decide what is the best direction to move with.
My friend, give that marriage a chance to grow.
A Husband, and a Father who is alarmed at the high rate of report of divorce and troubled marriages around the world; Hence profering practical Marriage Tips to couples
No comments:
Post a Comment