One of the biggest marriage problems most relationships face is not being able to control our anger. During the first year of our marriage, I had a very big problem with controlling my anger. Now, for the glory of God, I can honestly say that I have my anger under control, it is no longer a problem in our marriage. I still get angry, but it's not an explosive anger that hurts my wife or the people around me. This is how I changed, hopefully this will help you and your relationship out.
First of all, what is anger. Anger is a natural emotion given to us by God. We must understand that there is nothing wrong with getting angry, what's important is that you don't let your anger control you in such a way that you end up hurting someone physically or emotionally.The Bible says two things about anger, first it says, "Be slow to get angry". It doesn't say, never get angry. Second it says, "When angry, do not sin". Again, it doesn't say never get angry, but you must watch that your anger doesn't lead you to sin or hurt someone.Anger was meant to help us deal with and stop the evil in the world. But instead people use it to commit evils in the world.
For example, you're walking down the street and you see a man beating a baby merciless. What will you feel. Will you think, ohhhh pure baby. No you wouldn't, if you're a normal human being, you will feel anger, and hopefully that anger will lead you to help that baby. Another example, you see your child doing something bad. I mean really bad. Would you think, I shouldn't get angry, I shouldn't get angry. Or would you do what any good parent would do and discipline your child. By discipline, I don't mean beat him senseless. What I mean is, you should punish him in a way that he will know that what he did was wrong and that he shouldn't do it again. This is love, letting your child do whatever he wants, it's not love. So the anger of a parent to discipline her child, is not sin. It's anger with love, used to correct and guide in order to raise a good human being. This is good anger.
Jesus shows us an example of this anger when He went into the temple and saw all the merchants using it as a market. This was the temple of God, they were suppose to be praying to God, seeking God and helping lead others to God. Instead they were using it as a den of thieves, meaning that even there business was not done in a honest way. When Jesus, saw them doing this in the temple, He didn't say, I shouldn't get angry, but instead He did get angry and corrected their actions. Jesus did not sin, the people he corrected were the sinners. This is the true purpose of anger, to correct an evil being done. Whenever you see something bad being done, you feel anger. The problem is that we use our anger in the wrong way. We use it to scare and control people. We think that if we keep them afraid of us, they will respect us and not harm us. We want people to think the way we think, if they don't we think by screaming at them we will put them in their place.
We use it when we think people are taking advantage of us, so we think, if I don't get angry, if I don't scream or yell, I won't be heard. We think if I don't scream, this person will think I'm a wimp. So we have to learn to use our anger in the right way. The steps that I took to control my anger were:
Forgive - by this I mean forgive everyone and everything. I forgave everyone in my life and I still forgive on a continuous basis. It doesn't matter what it is, I forgive. If someone at work, gave me an evil look, I forgive them. If someone didn't greet me today, I forgive them. If someone said something against me, I forgive them. What's the big deal. When I forgive, I'm at peace. If they have something against me, that's for them to deal with.I also forgave everyone in my past starting with my parents. Even if they didn't do anything wrong to you, forgive them for not being perfect. I forgave all my past girlfriends, some of them hurt me in the past, so I often took my anger out on my wife as if she was just like all of them. Which is not true. Forgiving them, helped me see that not all woman are the same.
Pray - meditate on God's Word. The Bible says, let no corrupt word come out of your mouth but that which is necessary to lift up and edify. Meditate on that, use your words to edify and encourage, not to belittle and destroy. It also says, A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger. Think about it, you get angry, you scream, the other person gets angry and screams back, so you feel you have to be stronger by screaming louder, using harsher words or even worse using physical violence. But in the end nothing was gained and you feel terrible.Pray - it not only helps get in touch with God, but it also brings inner peace.
When you feel your anger triggered, leave and separate yourself from the person who you feel is triggering your anger. Take a long shower, if your at home. Go to a different room and take a breather. Even better would be to go for a long walk or a jog.
When you feel calmed, learn to express yourself. Remember, it is also not healthy to hold in your anger. This is one of the things that cause people to explode. They think I won't get angry, I'll hold it in, but then one day, boom! It all comes out in an explosive way. Holding it in, is not the solution. Express your emotions, but when you're calm. You can always use the expressions, "I felt anger, when you did this." or "When this happened I felt anger." Hopefully, this will make the other person not feel attacked, and lash out at you, which in return, will make you angry, and the cycle continues. Break the cycle, by expressing yourself when you feel calm.
Don't take yourself to seriously, and don't take situations too seriously. Think of a child, he wants a piece of candy, but you don't want to give it to him. So he goes crazy and throws a tantrum, all over an insignificant piece of candy. To you the piece of candy is insignificant, you know that he will not die if he doesn't get it, but to him, it's a very important matter to get what he wants, when he wants it. Sometimes are situations are the same, to us it's the biggest deal in the world. But trust me, even if you don't get your way, life will go on. Just make sure that what you do, doesn't cause life to go on in a bad way.In the Bible, God gave Solomon wisdom, and with this wisdom he wrote the book Ecclesiastes. He had everything in the world you could possible ask for, women, wealth, property, power, he had it all. But in his last days, he writes this book and says, all is worthless. At the end the only thing that matters is to fear God and obey his commandments, because he will judge you for all the things that you do whether good or bad. Don't take yourself too seriously, if you don't get your way, what's the big deal. You'll survive and life goes on. Seek peace and follow it.
These are some of things that have helped me control my anger. I'm at peace, my wife is at peace and everyone around me feels at peace. May you also find peace and learn to control your anger. Wish you the best.
Wishing Your Marriage the Best.
http://advice4marriedcouples.com
http://advice4marriedcouples.com
Advice for married couples to help couples achieve a happy and successful relationship.
Emmanuel Roman is one of the writers for advice4marriedcouples.com. He and his wife can honestly say that they are living a happy marriage with a sincere love for each other. But this did not come easy, they had a lot of problems in the beginning of their marriage mostly caused by Emmanuel's jealousy and his explosive anger. After his wife asked for a separation, Emmanuel, with God's help and the help of other counselors managed to put his life in order and fix his relationship. He wants to use his experience and knowledge to help other struggling couples also achieve happiness in their marriage.
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